How to Deal With People Who are Late

You and I both know you're perfect. Of course, I'm perfect, too. But so many of the people we have to deal with on a daily basis simply aren't perfect. And who gets left to deal with the fallout of their shortcomings? You and me. This is so not fair.

Listener Michelle is, of course, perfect. But she has to deal with people who aren't. Michelle writes in:

What do I say when people are late to meetings? I'm twiddling my thumbs, waiting for a phone call that was scheduled days ago. The best I could come up with is a polite email asking them if ‘we’ missed the call.

First, Be Nice

Your first instinct is best. Be nice. According to science, your brain contains about 100 billion cells (I would hate to be the grad student who had to count them). So does everyone else's. And of that 100 billion cells, MIT researcher, Rebecca Saxe, has identified the temporo-parietal junction, a teeny tiny part of your brain that's so small, a zombie wouldn't even consider it an appetizer. This teeny tiny part of your brain is what figures out what's going on in other peoples' full-size brains.

It does a surprisingly good job, but it's just not as complicated as a full size brain, so it comes up with overly-simplistic explanations. Usually it comes up with explanations like, "That person is a jerk who doesn't care about other people and deserves to be tickled while drinking a soda until it runs out their nose." An emotionally satisfying explanation? Certainly! But accurate? Not likely.

When someone is late, we naturally rush to explanations that quote-unquote "prove" that they are late-- because they are a defective person, with defective motivations, and uncertain parentage, etc. More likely, however, is that they were kept in a prior meeting longer than they expected. Or they forgot to write the appointment in their calendar. Orwe forgot to confirm the date and time with them. Or they are suffering from full-body alopecia and were distracted by the itching from their new, full-body hairpiece.

The first time, be nice and polite. Seek to understand what happened, and reschedule. You're being gracious and, after all, this could be a one-off thing.

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Second, Be Solution-Oriented

If they miss the rescheduled meeting, this could be a pattern. Now, they've wasted your time twice. Still be nice, but think of yourself as an investigative reporter. Your job, should you want to reclaim your time, is to get to the bottom of what's going on here. Are they a poor scheduler? After all, some people aren't good at keeping a calendar. Do they just lose track of time and forget you're supposed to meet? Are they deliberately blowing you off, because they're embarrassed to confess their secret crush on you?

Ask them. Say, "I notice we've crossed signals twice, now. How can we make sure we connect next time?" Sometimes it's as simple as confirming the day before or the day of the appointment.

My friend, Jake (that's his real name) is a master of this. He emailed me last week to make sure I remembered we were meeting for lunch Saturday. Very impressive and responsible. Which made it all the more devastating when he blew me off, and didn't show up--but his solution-oriented approach was impressive, nevertheless.

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Third, Make Medical Allowances

Some people have a variant of Attention Deficit Disorder, ADD. One of the symptoms is that even with backup support systems, it can be a serious challenge for them to meet people on time. If someone has ADD, then even with the best of intentions, they may be late.

If it's awkward to ask, "Are you a self-centered, narcissistic, inconsiderate flake, or do you just have ADD?", you might just assume it. If they are dependably flaky, the super-simple solution is to schedule meetings with them for 30 minutes before the time you actually intend to meet, and let them wait if they are on time. When I've done this, the people who are chronically late rarely notice if I'm late. They just take it in stride, so we're fine.

If they get upset that you're late, be honest, nicely saying, "Please accept my humblest apologies. I gave you an earlier time in the hope that this time we would sync up, since we missed each other twice before."

Fourth, Fire Them

If they're dependably flaky, give them the wrong time for meetings. Let them wait.

Sometimes, they just can't be on time on their own. And they can't help you come up with a solution. And they get upset when you give them an earlier time. In other words, they put you in a no-win situation in which they waste your time and give you no recourse. If that's the case, it's time to drop them out of your life.

If they're a client, tell them the billing clock starts the moment the meeting was scheduled to begin, even if they're not there. If this upsets them, they may elect to leave your business relationship. Good.

If they're a vendor, request a discount for the poor responsiveness. If this upsets them, find another vendor.

Keeping them in your life will be a never-ending experience of thumb-twiddling--if you choose to keep doing business with them.

Fifth, Send Them to Voicemail

Sometimes, you really can't fire them. They may be the only vendor with the product you need, or they may be an important client. In this case, wait five minutes for them at the scheduled time. Then send your phone to voicemail and start working on something else. At the next break in your schedule, call them back and say, "When you didn't show up, I assumed you had forgotten, so I went on to other work. Let's reschedule."

No matter what you do, be nice and polite. They're the ones being disrespectful, and your unfailing politeness will provide a contrasting example of how to behave maturely. The only thing not to do is to do nothing. Every time you accommodate the behavior, you are sending the message that you're willing to compensate for their flakiness.

When someone is late, give them the benefit of the doubt. If it keeps happening, work together to find a solution. Then plan for them to be late. If that doesn't work, fire them--or if you can't fire them, then the moment they're late, move on to other work and reschedule the delayed meeting. Because you're perfect, and you don't want them ruining your perfect life.

I'm Stever Robbins. I help people develop the interpersonal skills to set healthy boundaries and manage their business and personal relationships. If you want to know more, visit http://ift.tt/1da7cwp.

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

Photos of pocket watch and women waiting for a meeeting courtesy of Shutterstock.