8 Fun and Frugal Kitchen Hacks for Men

The below is excerpted from the book The Culinary Bro-Down Cookbook by Josh Scherer. Copyright © 2017 by Josh Scherer. Reprinted with permission of Grand Central Life & Style. All rights reserved.

There are a few essential kitchen tools you’ll need before embarking on this liquor-and-animal-fat-fueled food journey. Since cooking is all about accuracy, precision, and consistency, you’ll need to purchase top-of-the-line equipment to set yourself up for success.

A Cuisinart food processor, Viking range, Le Creuset Dutch oven, one of those fridges that look like cabinets but they’re actually fridges—you’re going to need to buy all these things, immediately. Seriously, why are you still reading and not at Costco buying a three-pack of food dehydrators right now?

Psych! I own a grand total of none of these things, and I never intend to own most of them. Except for one of those secret camouflage fridges, those seem pretty rad. Imagine how safe your snacks would be if no one could find them but you...

I’ve never owned a stand mixer, hand mixer, rolling pin, steamer, rice cooker, deep fryer (OK, I had one for a month, but it was a total nightmare), or a pan that cost more than $29.99. All these things 
are wholly unnecessary if you know the right techniques to get around them. If you can get inside these simple machines’ heads—if you can find out what makes them tick—you can master their basic operations. You can become the (wait for it) ultimate machine. Every recipe in this book can be made using the following 8 fun and frugal kitchen hacks, and the extra money you save can go towards a worthy cause. Let’s not kid ourselves—you’re going to use it for beer.

8 Easy Kitchen Hacks for Men

1. Instead of a ROLLING PIN, use an empty wine bottle.

​First things first; drink that bottle of wine, champ, you earned it. Second thing, you better be rolling out pasta dough because otherwise you’re on your way to violating Culinary Brommandment number 8: Baking blows. Drop the parchment paper and dough cutter, bro. If you rub flour on the wine bottle, it won’t stick to your dough and you can use it just like a rolling pin. A quick note: This is exclusive to wine bottles. Wine bags and boxes— though ideal for drinking—will not yield similar results.

2. Instead of a BISCUIT CUTTER, use an empty beer bottle.

Unless you’re Colonel Sanders—and I hope you are—and your livelihood depends on the rate at which your employees churn out uniform circles of dough, you don’t really need a biscuit cutter. (Also, Mr. Colonel, if you do read this, I’m a huge fan of your work on the Double Down.) You already know how I feel about baking, but you get a pass on biscuits because they’re stupid easy to make and their most immediate pairing is with fried chicken and/or gravy. Objection sustained. Press the beer bottle gently on the surface of your dough and follow the curvature with a paring knife for perfectly uniform cuts.

3. Instead of a MEAT MALLET, use an empty vodka bottle.

Empty alcohol bottles make up at least 85 percent of my kitchen arsenal at this point. I’m still trying to find a way to make a stand mixer with a case of D batteries and a six-pack of Mike’s Hard. It can be done. It must be done. Wrap your piece of meat in plastic wrap—or shove it into a gallon-size Ziploc bag—to avoid damaging the flesh, then gently beat the shit out of it with a bottle until it’s at the desired thinness. I’ve also found that using your fists works shockingly well. I actually prefer it now. When your hands are in direct contact with the meat, you can really get a better feel for evenness. Either way, the choice is up to you. I’m not going to be like Ice Cube’s dad in Friday and demand that you use your fists.

4. Instead of an EXPENSIVE FOOD PROCESSOR, get a cheap-ass blender.

Any liquid you would buzz up in a food processor you can also throw into any free blender you found on Craigslist. I still use my free Internet blender that I got six years ago—thanks, Craig! Alternatively, you could buy an immersion blender for as little as $10. Cheap food processors tend to break more easily than a blender because they have multiple moving parts. Plus, the free blender I got has one of those dispenser nozzles that come in handy when you’re trying to serve piña coladas en masse.

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5. Instead of an EXPENSIVE FOOD PROCESSOR, tough it out and use a knife.

Any solid you would throw into a food processor you can chop just as fine with a chef’s knife and a bit of athleticism. You don’t know your limits until you’ve surpassed them, and you don’t know hand cramps until you’ve hand-chopped parsley for 50 portions of pistou. It builds character. And I actually mean this. It’s super-important to learn your way around a chef’s knife. When you get comfortable chopping things by hand, you’re going to get faster and more efficient at literally every other knife cut. Yeah, practice. I’m talking about practice. Not a game. But practice. Think of something inspirational a mentor once said to you, then imagine that I said it instead, and start chopping.

You don’t know hand cramps until you’ve hand-chopped parsley for 50 portions of pistou.

6. Instead of a DEEP FRYER, use a saucepot.

As someone who has successfully deep-fried ramen donuts, Dorito-crusted egg yolks, whole Chipotle burritos, and an entire ice cream cake, this is one of the few subjects that I’m truly qualified to speak on. Unless you buy a high-quality deep fryer, which might run you up to $200, they tend to be shoddily made and inaccurate. You’re better off using a deep saucepot made from a heavy material so it can distribute heat evenly. I’ve been using a cast-iron Dutch oven that I got in a two-piece set for $29.99 for the past five years and I’ve never looked back. If you so choose, you can buy a thermometer, which is likely a good idea if you’re new to frying. But I’ll cover that in the next hack.

7. Instead of a FOOD THERMOMETER, trust your instincts.

Cooking is less about times, temperatures, and measurements, and more about trust, instincts, and being a functioning person who can read visual cues. If you see oil smoking, it’s too hot; if you drop a pinch of flour in and it doesn’t sizzle, it’s too cold. If a sauce isn’t reducing, turn the heat up; if it’s scalding and boiling over, turn it down. It’s like playing free safety in the NFL—read the play and react—except it’s a lot lamer, and you go to jail when you get caught with twelve grams of marijuana. Nothing in this book is too exact, and that’s by design. I’m not a French chef who has the world’s best pommes frites recipe timed down to the millisecond. I’m just some asshole throwing Tater Tots around and hoping I can give you some new ideas for what to do with them. As long as the oil is anywhere between 325 and 400°F, those tots are going to get crispy.

8. Instead of a GRILL…NOTHING! Instead of a grill, buy a grill, dummy.

This one is nonnegotiable; you need a grill. If you don’t already have one and money is tight, just drop your auto insurance plan for three months
and save up; what’s the worst that could happen? (Please do not do this.) There are no comparable substitutes for the charred flavor that comes with cooking things directly over fire, the way food messiah Bobby Flay intended. Both charcoal and gas have equal merits in terms of flavor and convenience, so I’ll leave that decision up to you.