Why "We Need to Talk" Isn't the Best Way to Save Your Relationship

It is a truth universally acknowledged that among the most dreaded four words anyone can hear from a partner are “We need to talk.”

I looked up “We need to talk” on Urban Dictionary. According to one contributor, the phrase means “Listen to me now or I’m walking out the door.” Another defined it as “The end of your relationship, or something that could mean the end of your relationship unless you take it really seriously.” A third suggested it was “the perfect time to fake a heart attack.”

However you define it, these four words are clearly something you never want to hear your partner say.

Why is everyone afraid of being told, "We Need to Talk"?

Sometimes, of course, the thing that makes the phrase “We need to talk” so bad is what comes next. Whatever your partner says after “We need to talk about those text-messages I just found on your phone” is going to be unpleasant for both of you.

You’d think talking about your relationship would be a good thing. But if that’s true, then why do so many of us dread it?

But sometimes the phrase doesn’t mean you’re about to be called out for something. Sometimes it just means “We need to talk . . . about our relationship.” You’d think talking about your relationship would be a good thing. But if that’s true, then why do so many of us dread it?

As Patrica Love and Steven Stosny point out in their book, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, when one person says to the other, “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship,” you almost never hear the other person say, “Wow, that makes me so happy. I’m really eager to share my feelings about our relationship with you, too.”

Let’s take a look at why we’re so resistant.

“We need to talk” really means “I need to talk”

As regular listeners to this podcast will instantly recognize, the phrase “We need to talk” is completely inaccurate. The problem, of course, is the word “we.” What you really want to say is “I”—“I need to talk.” A lot of people in relationships use “we” when they really mean “I.”

'I need to talk' tells the other person that what you’re about to say is subjective. It’s your own experience.

“I need to talk,” or “I need to talk with you,” sounds much better. Because it tells the other person that what you’re about to say is subjective. It’s your own experience. “...

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