Want to Reconnect with Your Partner? Have an Intimate Conversation

You and your partner seem to be at a crossroads. The two of you haven’t really connected in a while. Most nights, you just lie on the couch together watching TV. You wonder if your partner even notices there’s anything wrong.

What should you do?

Most often, when people feel that they’re not really connecting, it’s because they’ve stopped having intimate conversations.

Reconnecting starts with an intimate conversation

An intimate conversation contains three things: you, me, and a feeling. Those three things together are like rocket-fuel for emotional closeness in a relationship. Like any other kind of fuel, though, you have to handle it carefully, so it doesn't explode in your face.

Most of us are having intimate conversations in our own minds all the time, especially about how we feel toward the people around us. But we’re ambivalent about saying these things out loud. Will it help to share our feelings, or will it be a disaster?

Most of us are having intimate conversations in our own minds all the time, but we’re ambivalent about saying these things out loud.

So, for the most part, we keep most of our most intimate thoughts to ourselves.

How to start the conversation

Don’t just expect your partner to be the one to get things started. Instead, assume they’re as ambivalent about it as you are.

You have one big advantage, though. As a frequent listener to this podcast, you know how to put together an intimate statement, so it has the necessary three elements we just talked about: You, me, and a feeling.

It can be helpful to practice the conversation you might have in your head. You can check whether what you plan to say meets the intimacy requirements.

Let’s say you're planning what to say to your partner, and the first thing that pops into your head is:

Lately, I feel like all we do is watch TV.

That sounds like it’s about a feeling, right? But actually, this is more a statement of fact than an expression of feelings.

Assume your partner is as ambivalent about having an intimate conversation as you are.

I’m also suspicious of statements that use the word “we.” That might sound odd coming from a sex and relationship therapist. But paradoxically, “we” statements are often the least intimate. I have a strong preference for “you and I.”

How about this one?

I feel like you and I haven’t been as close lately.

That sounds a little better. But it’s still really just a statement of fact, even though the word "feel" is right there in the sentence.

What if we add a...

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