How the New Science of Attachment Can Help You Love Better

There are some things you don’t need to learn—you just know them by instinct. When you’re hungry, thirsty, or exhausted, your mind tells you very clearly what it needs.

There’s another kind of need, though, that for centuries no one gave much thought to. In retrospect it seems pretty obvious—we need to feel securely attached to the people around us.

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This need can be every bit as strong as those other needs that we’re more accustomed to thinking about. After all, we’re born helpless—much more so than the young of other species. Small children who are separated from their caregivers, even for a minute, reliably freak out. They act as if they’re in mortal danger, which, in a way, they are.

Attachment styles in young children—”the strange situation”

Until the 1940s, no one thought much about attachment. But since then, there’s been a phenomenal amount of research into the science of what’s known as “the human attachment system.” That's our instinct to stay secure and protected by keeping people close to us.

In the 1960s, we made the big discovery that young children differ in their attachment behaviors. The classic psychology experiment that demonstrates this is called “the strange situation.”

You take a child, one to two years old, playing in a room with its mother. On cue, Mom leaves suddenly, and the child gets upset. The child’s attachment system senses danger. Then, three minutes later, Mom comes back and you see what happens.

The most common way young kids react is that they take a moment or two to calm down and then they’re fine. Researchers call these kids securely attached.

Different children react in different ways. The most common way young kids react is that they take a moment or two to calm down and then they’re fine. Researchers call these kids “securely attached.”

But there are other kids who take much longer to calm down. They stay agitated, and for a long time they won’t let Mom out of their sight. Researchers call these kids “anxiously attached.” Their attachment systems seem to be extra sensitive.

Then there’s a third group who look, at least superficially, like the securely attached kids. At first glance, they seem fine. But if you watch closely, you see that they’re very stressed. They just handle their stress in a different way. Instead of getting clingy, they shut down. It’s as if they’re saying, “The heck with this. From now on, I’m taking care of myself.” Researchers call this "avoidant attachment."

Attachment styles and adult romantic relationships

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