The Best Way to Win an Argument with Your Partner

No one in a relationship ever won an argument just by being right. 

I mean, there's nothing the matter with being right. Maybe, once in a while, you might even get the other person to admit it.  

But I want to propose something paradoxical: In the long run, the best way to win an argument is to make sure your partner feels like they're winning too. 

How not to win an argument

Most couples don't really listen to each other when they get into an argument. Instead, they react to each other emotionally. Getting emotional tends to dial up the drama and cause chaos. 

Most often, of course, when you're in the middle of an argument, you just want to win.  

No one in a relationship ever won an argument just by being right.

There are all sorts of sneaky tactics people use when they try to win. Have you ever insisted that, if your partner really loved you, they'd give you what you want? Or maybe you've suggested that if only your partner were less anxious, less obsessive-compulsive, or less burdened by unresolved issues with their father, they'd surely see things your way.

In the long run, these tactics can do a fair amount of damage to your relationship.

Today I want to show you a better way. But first, let's look at what conventionally happens when couples argue. 

Here's how most arguments tend to go

Let's say Jesse and Pat have been married for a few years. One night they go to a party. Jesse notices Pat drinking more than usual—and getting louder than usual—and gets upset. 

Pat notices Jesse getting upset and gets angry. The next morning, they're arguing about whether or not Pat drank too much.  

Arguments like this usually accomplish nothing, of course. The next time Jesse and Pat go to a party, the same thing is likely to happen again.

Argue better with mindful communication

Today I want to show you a better way to argue. The technique goes by many names. In mindfulness work, it's called "mindful communication."  

There are three essential steps:

1. Each person gets to speak uninterrupted for a set time—say, two minutes. The other person just listens.
   
2. The listener states their understanding of what their partner just said.
   
3. Then the person who spoke either confirms that the listener heard them correctly or restates their complaint until the listener demonstrates that they understand.

Then you switch roles. 

The crucial...

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