How Not to Have a One-Sided Relationship

Hardly anyone starts out wanting to be in a one-sided relationship. But lots of people still end up in relationships where the other person has all the power.

Let's take a look at how to avoid getting into a one-sided relationship. I'll also show you how to get out, if you happen to be stuck in one. 

First, let's consider the kind of relationships most of us want. You know, the good kind where both people feel valued and everyone gets to have a say. For this kind of relationship, you need the right partner. Some people make better partners than others. 

What all good relationships have in common

There are three things good partners do in a good relationship. They all begin with the letter "R," so they're easy to remember. Good partners are:

1. Reliable. They show up when they say they’re going to show up. In psychology we call this “object permanence.” You don’t have to worry about whether or not they’re going to stick around. And when they say they’re going to do something for you, or with you, you can trust that they’re going to do what they say.
   
2. Reassuring. You can ask them for reassurance—any time you want—and they're happy to give it. In psychology we call this “object constancy.” You don’t have to worry that their feelings for you are going to suddenly change.
   
3. Real. They want to be part of your life. They want to meet your family and friends, and they want you to meet their family and friends too. They're interested in the real details of your life—the good as well as the bad. And they expect you to be interested in their lives, too.

Simple, right? And as a result, with a good partner, you should be able to do one more thing that begins with the letter R—relax. You should feel like you can kick off your shoes and be completely yourself. In a good relationship, you should feel right at home. 

Now let’s look at one-sided relationships       

In a one-sided relationship, one or more of these three things are missing. Your partner isn’t reliable enough, they’re not reassuring enough, or they’re not 100 percent real. And the result is that you’re anxious a lot of the time. Which makes perfect sense—under those circumstances, who wouldn’t be anxious?

Why do so many people stay with partners who are unreliable, or not able to offer enough reassurance, or not 100 percent real?

You’d think in this kind of situation, where a relationship is one-sided, that pretty much everyone would...

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