Should I Keep Pushing Myself or Rest? 4 Simple Solutions

Courtney from Melbourne, Australia wrote in and said she struggles with differentiating between "I’m tired" and "I just don’t want to."

Courtney notes that she prioritizes getting sufficient sleep and taking care of herself. But sometimes, she notes, what starts as self-care becomes an excuse, resulting in her not achieving other goals. How can she know when to push and when to rest?

Courtney, I’m so glad you asked this question because it’s something that so many of us struggle with. Particularly if you live with anxiety, depression, or chronic pain, it’s challenging to know if you should give yourself a nudge, or if you’re actually tired and should take a breather.

It’s a dilemma because each choice can backfire. On the one hand, sometimes pushing through is sheer folly. We check every last box on our to-do list, muttering “No pain, no gain,” but end up in a deeper hole of exhaustion or pain. We push, but then we pay.

On the other hand, in a culture that fetishizes productivity and achievement, deciding to rest can feel like we’re making excuses or being lazy. Our inner critic gleefully flogs us. Our rest is ruined with second guessing and regrets.

Things get even more confusing because sometimes we overdo the rest. Everything feels overwhelming, so we end up binge-watching Netflix and eating aerosol cheese straight from the can. But too much time on the sidelines amplifies our pain, worsens our mood, and makes getting out of the butt-shaped dent in the couch that much scarier.

Therefore, this week, here are four questions that answer the question: Should I power through or power down? 

Question #1: Is This the Rule or the Exception?

First, let’s take a page from the chronic pain literature to help us decide when to push and when to rest.

Usually, pain is a sign to rest. If you’re hobbling around on a sprained ankle or you got a concussion two days ago, definitely take time out.

But when pain becomes chronic, the equation flips like a pineapple upside down cake.

When pain is the norm—chronic low back pain, stiff knees, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue—too much rest can make you feel worse. Here, it pays to push a bit. Pace yourself, of course, but in general, moving your body and engaging with life actually builds your strength and energy rather than draining it.

The same wisdom can be used when it comes to mood. If your day was the emotional equivalent of an acute injury—your cat died, you had an isolated panic attack—go ahead and rest and recoup. 

But if your low mood or anxiety is chronic—you’ve felt tired and sluggish all winter and now it’s March, you always get the urge to bail before going out with friends, or you had your third panic attack this week—err on the side of pushing through.

For example, a former client with social anxiety—let’s call her Ana—would get mysteriously tired when faced with social decision-making. When her roommates asked her to join in their spring break vacation planning, she told them she was too exhausted right then, and put it off until they made plans without her. When a male friend hinted he might have feelings for her, Ana felt the energy drain out of her to the point where she couldn’t even engage in conversation.

Once she realized her sudden tiredness fell into the “chronic” camp and that her energy drain was actually avoidance, she was able to turn it around.

Same for you—if your distress is out of the ordinary, rest. But if it’s the norm, give yourself a nudge, especially when considering the next clue. Which is...

Question #2: Have I Enjoyed This Before?

If you’re feeling too tired to go to, say, spin class, search your past experiences for information. Do you usually enjoy spin class? Are you usually glad you went? 

In general, if you’ve previously enjoyed whatever you’re feeling ambivalent about, nudge yourself to go. On the other hand, if you’ve always hated it, stop torturing yourself. It’s fine to bail.

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Question #3: Can I Picture Myself There?

Let’s say you’re trying to decide whether or not to go to baseball practice. It’s been a long day, you’re tired, but it’s unclear whether skipping practice is just what the doctor ordered or a cop out.

Here’s what to do: picture your activity in your mind’s eye. Bring it to mind with all your senses. Visualize the field, hear the crack of the bat, smell the grass, feel your legs running the bases and picture chatting with your teammates.

Once you’ve pictured it vividly, ask yourself how you feel. If every fiber of your body is saying no, it’s probably genuine. Go home and rest. But if you feel motivated or energized or enjoy the visualization—even just a twinge—go ahead and go. You’ll probably be glad you did.

Now, notice I didn’t say, “Imagine yourself bailing.” If you tend toward avoidance, picturing letting yourself off the hook can be a slippery slope. Avoidance is a potent reward—it’s a relief to get out of something you dread. Imagining bailing makes it less likely you’ll turn around, lace up your cleats, and dig out your glove. Therefore, when it comes to visualization, picture doing the activity, not avoiding it. 

Question #4: Is This In Line with my Values?

If you’re still not sure if you’re genuinely tired or just being avoidant, consult your values. 

Is the activity you’re considering important to you? Would doing it solidify your idea of yourself? For instance, putting a high value on your health means you should probably head to spin class. Valuing your relationships and reliability means it would behoove you not to miss baseball practice. 

In the same vein, is it important to someone you love? If you just want to stay home but your partner has been looking forward to hitting the rock gym all week, then go. If it’s really important to someone you love, it becomes important to you, too.

Then again, if your friend invited you to a political rally but you’ve never heard of the candidate, your book club is seeing the movie version of that novel you didn’t like, or no one would feel your absence from the class picnic, it’s probably okay to sit this one out.

A final note: if you do decide to show up, commit. Make your decision a waffle-free zone. Throw yourself in wholeheartedly and you’ll have a much better time than if you’re there with one foot in, one foot out. 

To sum up, next time your wheel is off and your axle is dragging, ask yourself if this is the rule or the exception, have I enjoyed this before, can I picture myself there, and is this in line with my values. After that, regardless of whether you decide to push or rest, you’ll know you made the right choice. 

Image of woman torn between resting and being social © Shutterstock