Let me know if any of this sounds familiar.
“Mom, you look great again this morning. You really know how to put yourself together for work each day!”
“I’m going to start cleaning the bathrooms each week so you don’t have to do it. You shouldn’t have to do as much around the house with all you do for our family all the time!”
Or how about this: “Forget it then! I’m going to quit my job and just do nothing if you don’t let me go to the concert this weekend!”
Ringing any bells? Not only are our adorable kids smart and amazing, they’re also little con artists. The art of manipulation may even come about instinctually. In an article on child manipulation, clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Rutherford writes “Children can learn how to get certain responses from their parents from a very young age. Typically not before 15 months, but some kids can understand this dynamic really quickly.” She refers to a young child crying in the middle of the night. The parent runs in to pick the child up to soothe him. The child learns quickly that his needs will be met by this behavior, so the pattern continues to repeat.
As the mom of eight kids ranging in ages from 12 to 25, I have definitely learned first-hand about behaviors and why kids rely on them. All behavior serves a purpose and is a means to an end. Our kids do things because they want things and because they need things. Maybe they want toys, a new cell phone, or a much later bedtime. Many of our kids’ behaviors are learned. As they grow and discover their needs are being met through crying, whining, or even lying and controlling others, they may continue on this course because it’s working quite well for them. Their behavior is reinforced by their success rate.
Kids manipulate their parents. They learn to sway us with their cuteness and charming ways to satisfy their immediate needs. If you have a master manipulator on your hands, fear not. Mighty Mommy shares five strategies that will put you—the parent—back in the driver’s seat and no longer playing victim to your child’s manipulative tactics.
5 Strategies for Parents to Nip Manipulation in the Bud
- Don’t Give Them an Audience
- Don’t Be the Weakest Link
- Stop Negotiating
- Be Consistent
- Hold Them Accountable
Let’s explore each of these in more detail.
1. Don’t Give Them an Audience
I became a parent through the amazing gift of adoption after six very long years of infertility. We didn’t have nine months to prepare for our first bundle of joy, we had one week! With lots of love and support from our family and friends, everything fell quickly into place, and one of our best, unexpected finds was our incredible pediatrician. Not only is she an outstanding medical doctor, she is also overflowing with great parenting advice.
One of the best pieces of parenting wisdom that I gleaned from her expertise was this: “When your kids are looking for inappropriate attention, don’t give them an audience.” We learned fast that kids are constantly looking for attention and approval. When you have a child who uses manipulative devices—yelling, threatening you, pitching a tantrum, or physically throwing things—you need to take control of the situation by walking away from the drama.
Nothing good will come from trying to negotiate while your child is in this negative mindset. If one of her manipulative tactics is to bully you by raising her voice and yelling at you, your best strategy is to calmly let her know, “We’re not even going to talk about this if you’re raising your voice." If she physically starts throwing things, that’s when you should walk away and say, “We’ll talk about this when you calm down.”
Although this doesn’t happen overnight, when you don’t give your child an audience, you take back your power and make them work to make everything right again.
2. Don’t Be the Weakest Link
Kids are not only smart, they’re resourceful. They learn early on which of their parents is the softie and is usually willing to negotiate or bend the rules. They also know which parent is (pardon the expression) more of a hardass and isn’t going to budge no matter what.
In the world of manipulation, children know exactly who they can barter with to get their way. And on those occasions where both parents might actually be on the same page, our ingenious offspring know how to work the system and go to the stricter parent with what they hope will be a convincing set of tools. For instance, "Dad said it was fine with him as long as we ran it by you." Yeah, right!
Thankfully, we parents are usually on to this ploy of playing one parent off another. Our kids have the upper hand in certain scenarios: divorce, for instance, or two-parent working homes where one parent is on hand more to make most of the decisions. But as parents, you have to decide what the plan is and then follow through on it.
Establishing a protocol where you and your partner stand united on decisions is crucial. For instance, have a unified approach to how you handle your son staying out past curfew or your daughter staying at her friend’s house during exam time. Keep it simple: “Dad and I will be making decisions together so please don’t come to either of us separately and put in a request that requires a quick reply because the answer will be 'not until we both discuss it together.'" Do this a few times consistently and neither of you will end up being the weakest link.
3. Stop Negotiating
Before I had children, I truly had no appreciation for those desperate moments where parents would plead and bargain with their kids to change their inappropriate (ok, crappy!) behavior for the sake of saving their own humility or to keep their fragile parenting selves from being worn down any further.
A pack of gum here, a new soccer ball there. The bargaining chips are different for every family, as are the particular emotional battles, but the bottom line will always be the same—give in, and the child will continue to hold you hostage with this all-too-common form of manipulative behavior.
And why not? Every time I would like to get a new item for my home or go on a tropical weekend getaway, if whining loudly enough eventually landed me on a beautiful Caribbean island, I’d keep this tactic in my bag of tricks for as long as it lasted.
One of the quickest ways to nip manipulative behavior in the bud is to stay firm with your decision to decline one of their whims without any negotiating whatsoever. I’m talking about decisions such as declining friend time until homework is completed, or saying no to that concert when grades are unacceptable.
You know your kids better than anyone and they know your hot buttons just as well. In other words, say what you mean and mean what you say. When you send clear messages and your kids know what the expectations are—I.E. school night curfews are always 9PM, friends are not allowed over after school until all homework is completed, we’re not paying for your cell phone unless your grades are a B or higher every quarter—there is no reason for them to manipulate you, because they know upfront that negotiating is not part of the deal.
4. Be Consistent
If there’s one rule in discipline that I’ve learned not to waiver from in the 25 years I’ve been parenting, it’s to be as consistent as possible. My Quick and Dirty Tips colleague Ellen Hendriksen from the Savvy Psychologist podcast agrees.
“Manipulative kids aren't bad apples or mini Dr. Evils—they're just doing what works. The onus is on parents to keep manipulation from working. To do that, parents need to do three things: empathize, set limits, and be consistent."
Holding your kids accountable for manipulative behavior will teach them that these actions are unacceptable.
As the mom of eight, I know this is easier said than done. When you calmly but firmly say, “The answer is no, and I am not discussing it anymore,” you have to mean it and commit. You have to lovingly walk away and take your power with you. This includes ignoring some of your kid’s mean and spiteful comments (“I hate you” or “You never try to understand what I need”). No matter how hurtful some of these barbs are, be the adult and walk away—without slamming doors or huffing under your breath. Later, when things have calmed down, confront the situation so your child can try and understand that you are doing what you feel is best under the circumstances, and that you’re happy to listen to his side of things if he wants to discuss things calmly without hurtful insults.
Practice consistency in parenting and manipulation will no longer be something your little darling will rely on.
5. Hold Them Accountable
In addition to consistency, another one of my favorite words in the world of discipline and parenting is consequences. I've addressed this topic in several previous episodes, including 6 Tips for Handling a Defiant Toddler and 6 Ways to Handle a Defiant Teen (Without Yelling), but one of my most popular podcasts was one that Ellen Hendriksen and I collaborated on: How to Effectively Impose Consequences for Bad Behavior.
Setting rules and boundaries are a wonderful tool to enforce your family’s guidelines but there’s truly no point in doing so if you aren’t consistent, as in my previous tip, or just as importantly if you don’t have consequences.
Holding your kids accountable for their poor decisions and manipulative behaviors will teach them that these types of actions are unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
Dr. Hendriksen recommends setting a consequence and an incentive the child actually cares about.
“Here’s how to do it well: First, choose a consequence he actually cares about. If you take away his phone but he can just chat with his friends from his laptop, it’s not going to work. So choose something that he will actually be motivated about, whether it’s use of the car, having money, or being able to stay out as late as his friends. Spell out the consequence for breaking the rule just as specifically as the rule itself. Write it down and display it, just like the rule.
Next, add an incentive for adhering to the rule. Some parents think that this means rewarding kids for doing something they’re supposed to be doing anyway. But a one-sided punishment-only approach isn’t going to get him excited. Add some carrots as well as sticks, and you’ll get a more motivated response. This is where you can get your child’s input. Discuss it together and come to a mutually acceptable reward. For instance, for every weekend night he makes curfew, he gets to stay out half an hour later the next weekend night. Again, write it down and display it.”
For more tips, see part two of my episode with the Savvy Psychologist: 4 Ways to Handle Teenage Defiance and Rebellion
How have you handled a manipulative child? Share your thoughts in the comment section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommyor post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT. Image of a hand manipulating person's thoughts © Shutterstock
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