I recently heard from Amy, a former client of mine checking in to let me know she's doing great. I remember Amy well. She's an intelligent, hard-working, social, all-around go-getter. When she came to therapy, her life looked perfect on paper. But she always felt dissatisfied, like the pieces of her life just didn’t quite add up to a whole that made her happy. She felt restless at her high-paying job, couldn’t stay in love with her serially monogamous partners, and felt disconnected from her family even though she was frequently in touch with them.
I remember asking her, “Amy, what are your values? What is your life all about?”
She started listing goals. She wanted to get a Master’s degree. She wanted to move her career into sustainability technology. She wanted to be married within a couple of years. She planned to have two kids. She wanted to lose five more pounds.
At some point, I gently interrupted her. “Amy, these are goals. Items on a checklist. My question was about your overarching values, your life’s meaning.”
She was baffled. “What’s the difference?”
Amongst my clients—whether they came to me for help with managing anxiety, healing after loss, or even just sleeping better—this difference between values and goals almost always comes up as an important turning point. For Amy, it was life-changing.
What is the difference between goals and values?
Imagine you’re sailing a boat on the sea. The islands you see on the horizon, the ones you are working hard to get to, are your life’s goals and milestones. Perhaps graduating from college is an island you aim for, or reading all of Shakespeare’s works. Perhaps starting your own business, having kids, or buying a house are others. Amy had many of these islands behind her, conquered. She also always had plenty on the horizon, driving her to work ever harder.
What if we zoom out, and instead of blindly island-hopping, look up to find the North Star?
Each time she planted her flag on an island, it was temporarily satisfying. That promotion at work was exciting! But once she had basked in that initial sense of accomplishment, she would look up and realize she was still lost, still unsure where to find lasting happiness. She always thought the solution was to start going toward the next island because if only she could get there, she’d finally be satisfied, right?
What if we zoom out, and instead of blindly island-hopping, look up to find the North Star? Your North Star. Something you believe in to offer a greater direction for your life. Some people value social cohesion, some value knowledge, or creative productivity, or service to others, or connection to nature, or any...
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