4 Examples of Toxic Parenting and How to Fix Them

There are so many things in life that are beyond a child's control. That's why kids depend on their parents or caregivers to keep them safe and secure, both physically and emotionally. Sadly, some parents struggle with damaging behavior known as toxic parenting, which can have long-lasting, damaging effects. Toxic means poisonous, harmful, contaminated. A toxic parent is someone whose negative, poisonous behavior causes harmful emotional damage. And that damage can contaminate a child's sense of self.

As parents, we set the tone for our kids. When we're upbeat and positive, it has a ripple effect on the rest of the family. When we're discouraged and cynical, we make life unpleasant. We might do this with negative comments, personal digs, or a hostile tone of voice or body language.

No otherwise good parent wants to behave in a way that harms their child, but toxic interactions can slip into family life before you realize it, especially when you're stressed. Let's take a look at some examples of toxic parenting and then talk about how to make positive changes.

Tip #1: Don't shame your child

Toxic parenting example

Last week, I watched a TV movie with my youngest daughter. It started out lighthearted and funny, but then it took an uncomfortable turn.

The mom in the show interacted with her daughter in front of her book club. Gathered were six middle-aged women sipping wine and discussing their latest read. In walked the tween girl, a bit shy. Without introducing her to the club ladies, her mom looked her up and down and snarled, "Did you tell your father yet that you flunked two classes this quarter?"

My daughter immediately cringed and looked down at her feet. I asked how she felt about the mom's comment, and she said it bothered her just watching. Although it was a fictional program, the shame the character felt was painful to watch, and it upset my daughter.

The toxicity in this example is twofold. First, having your mom make a crack about your grades is disheartening. But receiving that comment in front of others is downright demeaning.

How to correct it

In "How to break the cycle of shame with your child," Dr. Laura Markham, Ph.D., recommends parents try an exercise that allows you to feel mild shame.

First, say "Yes!" aloud a few times. Note how that makes you feel. Do you smile? Do you feel some excitement or happiness?

Now, say "No!" aloud several times. Your smile might change to a frown. Do you feel tense? Some parents might even feel a sense of anger.

Dr. Markham's suggestion is to use empathy to help you understand...

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