For many years I longed to be a mother and fought the good fight against infertility. I experienced a roller coaster of emotions. Disappointment, anxiety, fear, pain, uncertainty, jealousy, frustration, and feeling helpless were the norm for me. But one of the strongest feelings I dealt with for most of my journey was, drumroll please—shame!
Why Is Shame a Parenting Struggle?
The other emotions I wrestled with were not necessarily easy, but I coped because I rationalized that the circumstances were beyond my control. If I felt disappointed each time I learned I wasn't pregnant, I could chalk it up to one of the infertility procedures not working. When I learned a friend was expecting, and pangs of jealousy gnawed at my heart, I knew those feelings were normal. After all, I had been trying for years to get pregnant. It seemed like my friend just winked and instantly conceived.
Shame, however, was a far more complex dragon to slay. I felt broken, and every failed attempt to become pregnant was a reminder that I had a defective body.
New York Times bestselling author, Dr. Brené Brown, is a pioneer on the topics of vulnerability, courage, and shame. She summed shame up beautifully in her article Shame Versus Guilt:
"I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."
Twenty-five years and eight kids later, I clearly overcame infertility. (Be careful what you wish for!) But I still remember grappling with shame. Because I couldn't get pregnant, I felt like a complete failure and unworthy of the motherhood tribe I ached to belong to.
These strategies will help when shame rears its ugly head in your own parenting journey.
Recognize Shame and Let it Breathe
The feelings we have about our families are much like the weather. When our kids, home life, marriage, and careers are thriving, it's like enjoying a picture-perfect summer's day with bright blue skies, the glowing sun, and a delicate breeze. We're excited and proud to share our good fortune with the entire world.
But when we're facing a family crisis, we're suddenly under a dark cloud. We'll do just about anything to stay protected from the incoming storm. We become quiet and hunker down, alone, until the nasty situation passes.
Shame is like one of those unpleasant bad weather days. It's an uncomfortable feeling, and it can be much easier to hide and stay out of the elements until the discomfort passes.
I experienced one such storm when three of my children...
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