During my years of infertility, I dreamed of the idyllic life I’d have if only I could become a mother. I visualized details: rocking my new baby softly in the wee hours of the morning; hearing her squeals of delight as she took her first steps; cuddling her when she was scared; her first lost tooth and first day of school. I imagined every rite of passage and special milestone. I would embrace and cherish each one.
Once I overcame infertility and had kids of my own, those precious moments were, admittedly, not as picture-perfect as I had originally imagined. You see, after adopting, I became pregnant when my new baby was only three months old. I battled chronic morning sickness for nearly six months while working full-time and trying to care for my husband, two dogs, and our 3,000 square-foot home. And then—surprise!—babies three and four were on their way. I was living my dream but at a very (very) harried pace.
Without even realizing it, I flew my early years of parenting on autopilot.
As much as I loved being a new mom and as much as I adored my sweet babies, on many days I had to go through the motions just to keep my kids fed, changed, and safely occupied, while balancing work and the upkeep of my home. I viewed grocery shopping and pediatrician’s office visits as luxuries.
Every parent knows you can’t get by without a little help from friends and family. In addition to the tremendous help I received from my support system, I was fortunate to receive a wonderful book from one of my best friends called Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, written by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Its poignant, thought-provoking essays for every day of the year were geared at helping busy women get centered and become mindful of the joy and abundance surrounding us if we tuned in and learned to appreciate it.
That book became my bible for the next dozen years. To this day, I still have a copy on my nightstand. I loved it so much I gave all my best friends and each of my three daughters a copy.
The first summer I had four small babies to care for was a turning point for me. I realized I had two choices:
- Continue on my insane path of trying to get everything done no matter what the cost to myself or my family.
- Stop the insanity and start enjoying the simple parts of my parenting day—no matter how small—and relish every innocent, delightful second.
I didn’t realize it 20 years ago, but when I made the decision to stop scurrying from one moment to the next, I was embarking on what we now refer to as practicing the art of mindfulness.
Simply put, I believe that mindful parenting is learning to go back to the basics with all that you do for your family. Remove all the bells and whistles of today’s non-stop lifestyle and just enjoy whatever you and your children are doing at that very moment. This might be noticing how energized your child is when removing his cleats after a stellar soccer game. Perhaps your daughter is feeling defeated after all her friends got asked to homecoming but her. Maybe it's reveling in the fact that your entire family is chomping at the bit to taste the pot roast you prepared for dinner on this beautiful autumn evening.
Paying close attention to how your family is feeling and interacting when you are all together, rather than being distracted by smartphones and the whirring of thoughts, may well be the greatest gift you can ever give them. (And yourself.)
As the mom of eight kids, I truly believe that parenting in the moment is not only the ultimate, loving gift you can share with your child, it’s also a wonderful skill to teach them. I’d like to share with you five simple mindfulness habits that you can begin incorporating into your parenting life today.
5 Ways to Practice Mindful Parenting
- Set Your Daily Intention
- Practice Mindful Awareness
- Listen With Your Whole Body
- Learn the Five Second Rule
- Practice Self-Compassion
Let’s delve into each of these further.
1. Set Your Daily Intention
While I was experiencing six long years of infertility, I'd wake up each morning and give thanks for my life as it was, but I also asked the Powers That Be to allow me to become pregnant. Each day I held out hope that my dream would be fulfilled as long as I believed and asked for what I so much wanted.
Fast forward 25 years and now I'm the grateful mother of eight kids in their teens and twenties. My entire life has changed, but one thing that's remained constant despite my new hectic norm is how I start each day with an intention.
If you want to get into the beautiful habit of practicing mindful parenting, one of the easiest ways to accomplish this is to set a daily intention before you even get out of bed each morning.
Juliet Turalski explains this beautifully in her article Why Setting an Intention Every Morning Will Change Your Life. “By acknowledging how you desire to feel, you can enter any situation with a whole new sense of being—even as you’re simply drinking your cup of joe, stuck in traffic, or throughout your working. When you get clear on how you want to feel, you can make clear decisions that create the life you truly desire to live. The moment you tap into the feeling, you get your power back."
As parents, we know that we are going to be faced with dozens (OK, hundreds) of varying scenarios to address every day we raise our kids. This is why I set an intention every morning before my feet hit the floor. I want to embrace whatever comes my way with positive energy and a loving outlook.
For example, my intention this morning was this: "Thank you for this beautiful late summer morning. I look forward to my powerwalk where I will spend time with my own thoughts and get pumped up for a fantastic day. I know Brady will do a wonderful job driving with his learner’s permit, and back-to-school shopping will be a breeze today with Annie happily finding the items on her list. We’ll gather for a delicious dinner together as a family before Austin heads back to college tomorrow. I love this day already!"
My intentions change depending on what’s happening in my life, but I set them every day without fail and am usually very pleased with the results. I encourage you to try this each morning yourself and watch how differently your days will unfold.
2. Practice Mindful Awareness
So, what exactly is mindful awareness? According to UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center: "Mindful Awareness is the moment-by-moment process of actively and openly observing one's physical, mental and emotional experiences."
I interpret mindful awareness as maintaining a close gauge on my thoughts and feelings according to what’s happening in my surrounding environment.
As mentioned earlier, the turning point in how I learned to embrace the at-times mundane rituals of motherhood was when I consciously decided to relish the many facets of parenting. For example, for years I would wake up to several babies wearing wet, soiled diapers. Diaper changing at 6AM is not exactly the most inspired way to start a frigid, January morning. But by choosing to practice mindful awareness, it became a very sacred part of my daily routine.
Instead of dreading dirty diapers, I entered my babies' nurseries with a full heart knowing how excited they would be to see me every morning. Their adorable arms and legs would be happily flailing in their cribs the second I poked my head through the door. I learned not to take even an unpleasant job like diaper changing for granted but instead counted my blessings that I had healthy children to care for, had access to disposable diapers, and that my kids were happy and thriving because I was doing a darn good job providing for their very basic needs. Still makes my heart melt to this day!
This very simple change in mindset filled me with gratitude rather than drudgery and definitely enhanced and improved my entire approach to all areas of my parenting experience.
3. Listen With Your Whole Body
One of my few pet peeves is when I'm speaking to someone (children, coworkers, my partner, or even my mother) and they are half-paying attention. I realize we are all inundated with a great many distractions, but frankly I find it rude and disheartening to be ignored.
This goes both ways. Think about how our kids feel when they are trying to talk to us about an issue important to them, and instead of making eye contact and paying attention to their needs, we only occasionally glance up from our smartphone glued to our hands and barely connect with them during the conversation.
One of the most important habits you can incorporate immediately into a more mindful parenting regimen is to begin listening to your family with your undivided attention. Or, as I like to say, listen with your whole body.
In 1990, Susanne Poulette Truesdale created the concept of whole body listening which she describes in her article Whole-Body Listening: Developing Active Auditory Skills. Truesdale argues that active listening is more than simply hearing with our ears. We also listen with our brain, eyes, mouth, hands, and even our feet.
When a family member needs to share something with me, no matter how inconvenient the timing might be, I try to stop what I’m doing and quiet my body so that I can pay full attention to the conversation. This means putting away all electronics, stopping the dicing and chopping of dinner preparations, not pacing around the room watering plants or throwing laundry into the dryer, and certainly not talking while they are speaking.
Listening with the full array of our senses tuned in to the conversation is the equivalent of hitting the mindful parenting homerun!
4. Learn the Five Second Rule
Last year I read an incredible book that totally rocked my mindfulness world: The 5-Second Rule by Mel Robbins. The author is spunky and fearless and shares a tool that can be life-changing if you’re willing to devote five simple seconds to accomplishing a change in your life.
Robbins explains that "the 5 Second Rule is simple. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it."
Her research shows that there is a scant five second opportunity to act on an idea or some type of change you’d like to incorporate into your life before your mind squashes it.
"Just start counting backward to yourself: 5-4-3-2-1. The counting will focus you on the goal or commitment and distract you from the worries, thoughts, and excuses in your mind. As soon as you reach '1' – push yourself to move," explains Robbins.
She grasped this ingenious idea one night while seeing an ad for NASA. She was in a low place in her own life and was struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. She asked, “Why is it so hard to do the little things that would improve my life?” What she discovered was that our minds are designed to do anything, at all costs, to stop us from doing what might hurt us. "We all have a habit of hesitating."
The sign she received from the NASA advertisement became the ingenious way she changed her mindset and ultimately her entire life. When a spaceship launches the countdown is backward. She decided she would finally get herself "launched" out of bed each morning by counting 5-4-3-2-1 and then jump out of her cozy, warm covers to take on whatever the new day held.
In relation to mindful parenting, I’m enthusiastic about Robbins's five second rule because we as parents can use this tool to make the commitment to focus on living in the moment with our kids, instead of straying off to what’s next on our parenting agenda.
"Your life comes down to your decisions and if you change your decisions, you will change everything," writes Robbins.
The two things I do each and every morning are to set my daily intention and to spring out of bed feeling motivated and inspired to have my best parenting day. The bonus? This approach not only affects my parenting mindset, but also sets the stage to a very centered and mindful day in all aspects of my life, and it sets a great example for the rest of my family.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
When I finally achieved my dream of becoming a parent, I had to experience many firsts with my newborn before realizing that it was OK to acknowledge I didn’t have all the answers. I was going to make mistakes.
My pediatrician (an amazing practitioner and parent herself) offered a great piece of advice when I was a new mom trying to cope with a stressful situation. “Try placing your hand on your heart as a gesture of caring and say to yourself, 'May I relax, have more patience, and release myself from this stress.'"
This bit of powerful advice made me realize that I needed to make space for just being alone with my own thoughts and feelings every day. Hey, our lives are only lived in moments. Mindful parenting depends on being more present, so establishing a daily mindfulness practice is considered key. I began sitting for 5 to 10 minutes every day, usually in mid-afternoon when my kids were napping. I began bringing awareness to simple things like my breathing, as well as noticing different noises that surrounded me, like the outside sprinkler or the whirring of the kitchen ceiling fan.
As busy parents, we know that our children get the best of us, and we can be left feeling depleted and wondering what our true purpose is.
I used to look outside of myself for love and validation of how I was doing as a parent. But, through mindfulness practice, I realized I needed to look within, not outside, for a final stamp of approval. Once I let go of unrealistic expectations, I began to enjoy parenting more and simply embraced the daily ebb and flow of my parenting routines. By tuning my frequency to moments of kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance, I have been able to find greater harmony for both me and my family.
Have you embraced any mindfulness practices that enhance your parenting experience? Share your thoughts in the comment section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommyor post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Image of a mother being mindful with her child © Shutterstock
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