During the early months that I was trying to become pregnant, I was totally obsessed with anything and everything pregnancy and newborn related. I simply couldn’t get enough of talking to expectant moms, browsing through maternity stores at the mall, admiring a stranger’s slumbering baby who lay innocently in a stroller at the park. These were the things that I hoped would soon be a part of my life and I was completely absorbed.
As the years slowly crept along with no pregnancy and no baby, it became increasingly difficult for me to even look at a pregnant woman, never mind strike up a simple conversation with one. I couldn’t go near the maternity sections of a store, and when I did see a new mom pushing her baby in a stroller I enviously wondered what her life must be like to have a precious new being to love and care for.
After five very long years, I was finally blessed with a baby of my own through the gift of adoption. I now knew how amazing it felt to nurture and love this miracle of another human being who was totally dependent on me for everything. It truly was surreal.
Those first weeks with my sweet, beautiful daughter were so special, yet they weren’t anything like I had imagined they would be. My romantic notions of caring for a newborn went right out the window the day we brought her home from the hospital.
Experience is the mother of wisdom, and this couldn’t have been truer when it came to actually living with my newborn, not just dreaming about having one. As idyllic as we may intend for those early days with our baby to be, it doesn’t always go according to plan, and that’s OK if you have the right mindset. Here are four ways that new moms can have a reality check during baby’s first weeks at home.
4 Reality Checks for New Mothers
- You’re Going to Hurt
- Breastfeeding Takes Practice
- Tune In to Your Feelings
- Find Your Village
Here’s a closer look at each.
1. You’re Going to Hurt
Because I adopted my first baby, and then gave birth to my second one a year later, my experience as a new mom is different than most. When my daughter’s birthmother was in labor, I was waiting to fly across the country to meet her. Five minutes before we left for the airport we received the call that our baby had been born. It’s a moment that I will cherish for the rest of my life. We spent our first weeks as new parents living in an efficiency suite at a hotel 2000 miles from home, with no friends or family to rely on. It was both exciting and scary to be on our own with such an awesome responsibility—caring for a brand new 6lb 6oz baby girl! Our circumstances for our first newborn were different in many ways, but the common thread we shared with all new parents was that our infant still depended on us for everything.
For this topic, I’m going to jump ahead to the birth of my first son, because this time I experienced both the emotional and the physical aspects of becoming a new mom. Although I was now very familiar with what life with a newborn was like, I was honestly shocked at how different it was—and it wasn’t pretty.
Somehow, after navigating through five-plus years of infertility, I never gave much thought to birthing a baby because I was so consumed with having one. Silly me! After 28 hours of labor, including three grueling hours of pushing, my son was born. Exhaustion was an understatement, and although I knew I loved this little guy with all my heart, I was a bit surprised at how I wasn’t over the moon to cuddle him and get to know him—I was physically wiped and quite frankly so sore I couldn’t move.
I shuffled out of the hospital two days later with not only a brand new love in my life but hard, engorged, tender breasts and a throbbing perineum that was stitched and so swollen I was certain I’d never sit comfortably again for the rest of my life. Never mind the fact that it took days to have a bowel movement. Ah, the miracle of birth!
Here’s the thing: with all the reading I did on childbirth, in addition to taking childbirth classes, I somehow missed the part about how sore I would be that first couple of weeks. I focused on the pain I’d feel in the delivery room, not how I’d feel afterward. Throw in the fact that I had a 12-month-old baby at home who was just learning to walk...let’s just say I had a rude awakening.
Had I been more prepared in knowing that my body wasn’t going to bounce back as quickly as I thought, I’m sure I would’ve dealt with the weeks after my first birth a bit more easily. The fact of the matter is that having a baby means you’ll be uncomfortable and have many, many moments of pain while your body begins to heal. Give it the space to heal.
We all have a different tolerance for pain, so be kind to yourself during that first stretch after you deliver. Set realistic expectations as to what you will be able to accomplish each day. For most new moms, especially those who breastfeed, nursing your baby and catching as many winks of sleep as you can will be at the top of your to-do list.
Now is not the time to worry about spiffing up your home or keeping your usual pace with errands and appointments. Focus on keeping your postpartum-self as comfortable as possible while you get to know your amazing new baby.
2. Breastfeeding Takes Practice
Many women already know while they're pregant if they want to breastfeed or not. Obviously, when I adopted my first baby, breastfeeding wasn’t an option, so formula it was, and my daughter thrived and met all her milestones on time. When I was pregnant with my son, I had my heart set on breastfeeding. I read up on it and figured it sounded easy enough. Wrong!
After my 28 hours of very intense labor, I had one thing on my mind—sleep. Sure, I was excited that I had finally given birth, but the last thing my body needed was to experience more discomfort.
My baby was only an hour old and as I lay there groggily the nurse brought him to me and placed him on my chest. She said it was best to start nursing as soon after birth as possible, then she left the room. I had to enlist the help of my husband, who was also exhausted after being up for the past 24 hours cheering me on. We clumsily tried to get the baby to latch on to no avail. Now I had a screaming baby who was frustrated and trying to nurse yet I didn’t have a clue how to make it happen. Finally, the nurse reappeared, but she wasn’t very patient with me so we called a truce and gave the baby a bottle. The goal was to try again in several hours.
The next two days in the hospital I was bombarded with well-intentioned assistance from the staff’s la leche league volunteers. Their goal is to support mothers worldwide to successfully breastfeed. While I appreciated their cheerleading and encouragement, every time they were able to get my son to latch on, it was so excruciating both in my breasts and my uterus I had to hold on to the bedrail so I wouldn’t scream. My OB/GYN happened to be in the room during one of my breastfeeding sessions and advised me to do what was right for me, not what others wanted.
I made the decision that breastfeeding wasn’t for me after my son was born, and thanks to my doctor’s advice I did so without any guilt. QDT’s House Call Doctor has a wonderful article The Most Common Breastfeeding Obstacles that goes into more detail about nursing your baby.
Sometimes, it’s just not the right fit for both mom and baby. The remainder of my six kids I successfully breastfed and really enjoyed it, so I am equally supportive of both bottle and breastfeeding.
3. Tune In to Your Feelings
After years of infertility, to be blessed with two healthy, sweet babies in the span of just 12 months was a miracle for our family. Although I was a bit overwhelmed caring for a one-year-old and a newborn, I felt on top of the world. But within just a few days of being home from the hospital, I started feeling a little down, and I wasn’t really sure why. I finally had everything I had ever dreamed of—a terrific husband, a beautiful home, a career I loved, great friends and family, and now I was at long last a mom!
I soon learned that I was experiencing something quite normal after childbirth—the “baby blues.” Due to all the hormonal changes a woman’s body undergoes after birth, it’s not uncommon to experience a range of feelings such as sadness, mood swings, being overwhelmed, and feeling cranky and irritable all at the drop of a hat. I remember even sitting in the nursery feeding my baby and crying for no reason at all. I also had a few fits of resentment towards my husband. Once he went back to work he was now interacting with other adults and wasn’t having to get up every few hours for late night feedings. Somehow this just didn’t seem fair.
Luckily, most women who have a bout of the baby blues don’t stay there for more than a week or two. I recall feeling much better emotionally after just a couple of weeks. That’s not the case for all women, however. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in nine women experience the symptoms of postpartum depression, which is much more serious than a couple of weepy weeks that most women deal with.
For a full list of postpartum depression symptoms, you can visit the American Psychological Association’s report which also advocates for mothers to seek help as early as possible. In addition, QDT’s Savvy Psychologist, Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. weighs in with 8 Little-Known Signs of Postpartum Depression.
Admittedly, I was a little embarrassed that I was feeling let down and emotionally uneasy after my first birth so I didn’t really talk about it to anyone. The symptoms went away almost as quickly as they came on, and I did finally mention it to my doctor who urged me never to feel ashamed of my feelings. When I delivered the rest of my children, I experienced these same blues each and every time, but I knew to expect that I might feel a little sad, so I was better equipped to handle it.
Don’t shy away from tuning into your feelings. The best way to deal with these temporary mood swings is to acknowledge them and let yourself feel them. I found that listening to uplifting music or getting out of the house for even a quick walk around the neighborhood was extremely helpful in elevating my mood to a happier, calmer place. I also opened up to my husband about how I was feeling. He was attentive during the moments when I wasn’t at my best—raising a total of eight kids is no easy feat—and helped relieve me from some of the load I was carrying.
Find respite however you can and soon you’ll be in the groove of a healthy new routine with your baby. If for some reason you don’t feel as though you’re getting better, however, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
4. Find Your Village
I went from a very full career and social life to becoming a mom in just one short week. That was the amount of notice we received when a birthmother chose us to adopt her baby. I didn’t have nine months to prepare like most expectant moms do, so I had to figure things out pretty quickly on my own. We were out of state and across the country for three weeks when we adopted our daughter. When we returned with our bundle of joy, our home was like Grand Central Station! Well-wishers, family members, friends, neighbors, and co-workers were continuously stopping by to congratulate us and meet our new baby. It was a total whirlwind!
And then, the constant traffic stopped and it was just me and the baby at home, alone, for long stretches of time. Having always worked full-time and having enjoyed a full social calendar, I was caught off guard when I found myself spending the majority of my time at home, baby-bound.
Because parenthood happened so quickly, I didn’t expect to feel so isolated and at times very lonely, so I decided to reach out and get acquainted with other new moms. I wasn’t looking for a formal group to join, I was looking for some new friends that I could connect with on a regular basis, and luckily I found them. Both our neighborhood and church had a lot of young families, so that was how I began finding new mom companions. These were invaluable connections because they also introduced me to mother’s helpers and babysitters and even retired women who lived in our community who enjoyed helping with meals and running errands when new moms just didn’t have the time or energy.
Likewise, when we moved and I had four babies in such a short period of time, I got connected with other stay-at-home parents in our new town and found a way to surround myself with women that shared similar interests, including a fun-loving stay-at-home dad that joined us regularly. It was meeting other parents and bonding with new friends that helped save my sanity during the many years I was out of the workforce and home with my family.
Even before you have your baby, it’s a great idea to start planning on who you can connect with once you’re home and caring for your newborn. When you find a village that you can laugh, share, and certainly commiserate with, you’ll find those first months of being a new mom will be a lot less lonely and much more enjoyable.
What surprised you most after having your baby? Share your thoughts in the comment section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommyor post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Image of new mother © Shutterstock
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