Relationships. I just love relationships. Friends, shmoopies, vendors, colleagues, bosses. Relationships are great, because you get to interact with another person. And how do you know they’re another person, and not just your imaginary friend? Because they don’t behave how you expect! They’re different from you. They think differently. They react differently. They even smile differently. And that, sadly, is the problem with relationships as well. No matter how much we wish it were so, people just aren’t mindless automatons, behaving the way we want.
Most of these mismatches aren’t a problem, as long as you know they’re coming. Indeed, you might love hearing shmoopie’s stories about that time with the dog, the porcupine, and the two-gallon jug of raspberry jam. You might laugh and laugh and laugh! But, please, couldn’t it wait until not when you’re in the middle of trying to write the concluding paragraph of your thesis?
Set Expectations Up Front
When you start a new relationship, or when you check-in on an existing one, or when you quietly decide not to quit your job (this week), have a conversation where you set expectations about how you’ll conduct your relationship.
These are called “process conversations,” because you’re designing the process you’ll use to run your relationship. While process conversations don’t guarantee smooth sailing, they can help deal with predictable relationship issues in advance. And you can be sure there are plenty of predictable issues.
How Do We Communicate?
How does someone prefer to communicate? In this glorious age of information technology, true communication has never been more difficult. We’re overwhelmed from all sides. We mostly use text, which is extremely inefficient and lacks emotional cues. And we all have two dozen inboxes.
One person might consider texting to be an extreme invasion of privacy. Another might want all communication to happen via text. Often, a person will have multiple communication platforms and use them for different things.
Agree on which communication medium to use for casual communication, emergencies, and event planning.
How Do You Like to Receive Feedback?
Being friends or colleagues, we of course want to give each other helpful advice. “Those pants you wore to the art opening last night? I know you love spandex, but sometimes you might want to choose your clothing based on criteria other than stretchability.”
Some people like feedback blunt. Some like it diplomatically. Some like it in writing, sent via text message. Some like it by voice.
Agree on how you like to receive feedback and over what medium.
How Do You Work Best?
If you’re like me, you work best when you’re surrounded by friends and colleagues laughing and talking and having a great time...and then shutting up completely for 19 consecutive hours until my current project is done. At which time we can all laugh and talk and have a great time again.
Other people like to laugh and interact the whole time. Still others like to lock themselves in a cabin in Antarctica and only emerge once every six months. Establish respect for each others’ work habits early.
How Much Checking Up Do You Need?
When I first started working with Intern MG, I called him a week before a deadline to see how things were progressing. He almost bit my head off for doubting that he would turn in his deliverable on time. He’s not a man to be micro-managed.
Contrast this with my artist friend Sparkles. Sparkles lives in the moment. Very, very in-the-moment. If Sparkles is working on a project, I need to check in every couple of days to make sure things aren’t running wildly late.
Most people have a good sense of how closely they need to be managed. Ask and share. When you do work together, you’ll be able to hit the right balance for each other.
What’s Your Decision-making Style?
Some people like to have their hand in every pot. If there’s a decision to be made, they want in, whether or not they’re qualified to have an opinion on the decision. Some people prefer to leave decision-making to others. And most of us are in between.
Discuss how you like to be involved in decisions. When shmoopie and I are planning a vacation to Montreal, my decision-making style is easy. I say, “You make all the decisions. It’s a holiday. I don’t want to deal.” Shmoopie then makes all the decisions.
When we’re planning the house finances, however, it’s a very different story. I say, “We make decisions together, responsibly, taking into account our retirement plans, income for the year, and savings rates.” Then shmoopie takes out a second mortgage to pay for Presidential Suite accommodations on the trip to Montreal.
As you can see, reaching agreement on decision-making style can have tremendous implications for retirement.
Saying You’re Sorry
Fifty years ago in the movie "Love Story," Ali McGraw’s character Jennifer says, "Love means never having to say you’re sorry." "Love Story" was fiction. Plus, Jennifer dies. Who's sorry now, Ali? Who's sorry now?
Every relationship is made much more efficient if you just start apologizing on day one and keep apologizing for everything. If the other person says "You apologize too much!", apologize for that, too. Eventually, they’ll write you a very big check to go away and stop bothering them.
But while you’re still together, find out the other person’s apology language. Then you know how to apologize so they actually hear it as an apology. For details on the Five Apology Languages, check out Get-It-Done Guy episode 351.
Propose and Have that Initial Conversation
When should you set all this up? Now. Sometime early in a new relationship, have the process conversation. Don’t say, “Let’s have a process conversation.” Most people will look at you like you’ve lost your mind. Though the ones who jump at the chance will probably be great to be with.
Instead, introduce the topic casually. “You know, I like to be able to be the best (boss, friend, co-worker, employee, shmoopie) I can. Would you object to that?” If they say yes they object, then that’s important information you can use. Run. Fast. Far away.
Otherwise, say, "Great." And then ask them about the various things we’ve been discussing. You may wonder if you can just start a process conversation, just like that? Yes. You can. Go do it.
Whether you’re getting a new boss, becoming a new boss, getting new co-workers, starting up with a new boyfriend, girlfriend, intersexfriend, husband, wife, or polyamorous family unit, a process conversation upfront can help it get off—and stay off—to a great start. Ask about communication channels, feedback, micromanagement, decision-making, and apologies. Pretty soon you’ll have a handbook for the relationship that will make it easy to have a great time together, putting your attention squarely on the agenda the two of you share.
I’m Stever Robbins. I like blunt feedback delivered kindly, and my apology language is acts of service. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. If you have projects that are stalled or taking too long, check out my “Get-it-Done Groups” accountability groups. Learn more at http://SteverRobbins.com. Image of people engaged in process conversation © Shutterstock
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