Just like our kids, parents come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, ages, personalities, and abilities to cope and manage the daily joys and stressors that automatically come with being part of a family.
With so many public forums surrounding our parenting choices—social media platforms, attending sports and school functions, being out and about at the grocery store, and running other errands with our kids in tow—it’s very rare that we don’t parent without an audience (including our own kids, spouses/partners, and family members).
Although my kids do have a few commitments and planned activities for the summer months, we really do spend the majority of summer vacation unwinding and decompressing from the extremely busy school year. What I love most about these unscheduled weeks (beside not making school lunches every night!) is spending some reflective time reviewing the type of parent I’ve been during the past school year.
Summer is a great time to do a little replay of both your best and not so great parenting moments because we usually have a break in the action and can actually have some time to think and refocus.
When the summer temps start to rise and sizzle, consider these four ways you can keep your cool and bring more positive energy into your parenting life.
4 Ways to Be a Cooler Parent
- Focus on Yourself
- Stop Yelling
- Find Joy
- Practice Daily Calm
Here is each example in more detail.
1. Focus on Yourself
This past year, I did something I said I would never do again—I totally overcommitted myself to projects outside of my family and work because I was truly excited to take them on, and I figured now that my kids are much older I could manage my time and my overall mental well-being with no problem at all. Wow, was I ever wrong!
Somehow, I was delusional in thinking I could co-chair two major fundraisers for our school as well as continue being the secretary of our PTO, all while teaching CCD at our church, work full-time, freelance and care for my family. Did everything get done? Barely! I’m so thrilled with how successful our fundraising events were, and I truly did enjoy being so involved. I managed to keep up with work, my kid’s schedules, and we didn’t eat cold beans for dinner, but you know what did get moved to the back burner for nearly this past entire year? Me!
When I don’t take time for myself, although I manage to stay on top of my personal and work commitments, I just don’t have that “extra oomph” that I usually have, and deep inside, I just don’t feel like me.
Although it’s super cool to be so involved with our kid’s schools, it’s even cooler to show your kids that you take time to care for your own needs. Once these fundraisers were done, I jumped back into power walking every morning, started socializing with my friends after work, and resumed scheduling a few hours to myself for whatever strikes my mood that particular week. (This week it was a hand massage at my favorite spa and an hour, alone, at our local farmer’s market.)
When I make my own health and wellness a priority I model for my children how important that is. Equally as important is taking time to enjoy your own hobbies. There are too many wonderful and exciting opportunities awaiting us, regardless of our role as a parent, and when our kids see us cultivating our own passions, we show them by example how to keep their own tanks full of good energy.
In my episode, 5 Ways that Selfish Parenting Can Benefit Your Family, there are more ideas on how to focus on your own needs while becoming a better parent in the process.
2. Stop Yelling
In the 25 years I’ve been a mom, one thing that totally makes me cringe is when I’ve caught myself yelling at my kids. Many times, to be honest, it happened rather mindlessly. If I was in a frazzled state and was trying to get crowd control of my gang, or was even trying to just round them up to get in the car, somehow raising my voice was what I thought would be an effective way to get their attention.
I’m not a yeller by nature, but when exasperated and worn out with nagging kids or bouts when no one seemed to be listening, I admit, yelling was an easy alternative. Thankfully, my husband came home one day and heard me yelling (OK, maybe it was even screeching) to the kids to get their sports gear ready for practice. The problem was, I was in the kitchen, and they were at the other end of the house. My loud voice was just taking up a lot of hot air in the house, and the kids had totally tuned me out.
He has always been the more patient of the two of us, so he very lovingly took me aside and told me how wretched I sounded when he came home a little early that day. I was tired and defensive, but when I calmed down, I realized he was right.
That was a turning point for me, and from then on I really did pay attention to my volume and my tone when I communicated with my kids. I certainly don’t like to be yelled at and what an awful example it sets for our kids on how to treat others. Not cool at all!
In Is Yelling at your Kids as Bad as Spanking, Stephanie Cristina, a child psychologist in Ottawa explains, “Yelling isn’t a constructive discipline technique, it’s a reaction. While it will likely get a child’s attention and might stop the naughty behavior in that instant, yelling—like spanking—does not teach the child anything about how to behave appropriately.”
One of my most popular episodes, How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids, has more ideas to help you curb your shouting, and instead communicate in a calm manner.
3. Find Joy
When you parent a large brood like I do, I have found over and over again that focusing on the simple pleasures of life are what bring me the most happiness. Maybe it’s relishing the fact that your child can now tie his own shoes or that your older daughter just made time to read a book to her younger sister so you could get dinner on the table. Yesterday, I walked outside to get the mail and noticed our rose bush was in full bloom. It made our front walkway look so fresh and pretty, and it smelled amazing. I smiled for the next hour every time I thought of it.
I love referencing Pooh Bear and his sweet friends from The Hundred Acre Wood because the characters are so relatable and such great teachers of life’s important lessons. In particular, how to have a positive outlook even in gloomy times is showcased beautifully when Pooh Bear interacts with Eeyore, the dismal donkey who always finds the negative side to everything. Pooh Bear finds the good in life while Eeyore brings everyone down.
Cool parents are upbeat and positive. They focus on what’s right instead of what’s wrong. Taking time to find joy in your everyday routines and sharing those happy thoughts with your family will definitely make you one of the cool cats in the world of parenting.
4.Practice Daily Calm
We as parents are under continuous pressure as we try to balance work, home, kids, personal relationships, finances, aging parents, and taking care of our own physical and emotional health needs. It’s a tall order and at times can be overwhelming.
Our kids, however, rely on us to stay in control and keep their world running as smoothly as possible, regardless of what’s going on around them. Yet, unfortunately, it’s all too common for we as crazed parents to lash out at our loved ones when we’re running on a short fuse.
As I mentioned in my first tip, taking time to nurture your own personal needs is extremely important and beneficial to the entire family when you do so consistently. Just as important is to incorporate some self-soothing techniques that you can call on when you’re having a rough stretch either at home, work, or in another area of your very busy life.
Cool parents work to keep their emotions in check. If your temper is not always as easy to control as you’d like, finding a calming ritual you can rely on is a great place to start. My favorite way to get centered and peaceful is to visualize myself in one of my favorite settings—the beach, sitting in my chair with my feet buried in the warm sand, listening to the waves roll in and out of the shore while I enjoy a cold beverage and a good read. I even do this when I’m not in crisis mode because it helps keep me in practice when I really need it.
Check out 6 Ways to Become a Calmer Parent for more ideas and you’ll learn how to keep your cool even when the situation seems too hot to handle.
How do you maintain your cool as a parent? Share your thoughts in the comment section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommyor post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. You can also connect with me on Twitter @MightyMommy or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT.
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