Being a parent when you’re one half of a couple can be challenging enough, but when you become a single parent—whether it be through divorce, a spouse dying, or if you were alone to begin with—it makes the dynamics of parenting that much more complicated.
When I became a mom for the first time 25 years ago, I was completely overwhelmed with unconditional love for my new baby. I promised my newborn daughter that I would do everything in my power to give her a life of complete joy, love, and amazing experiences. I made that same promise to my other seven children who followed close on her heels and believed with all my heart that all eight of my kids would be blessed with very enriched, love-filled lives.
Now that I’ve been a mom for nearly 25 years, I reflect back on that loving promise I made to my eight kids and truthfully, for the most part, feel I’ve delivered that promise. What I never expected was to become a single mom well into my late forties. While that wasn’t my first choice or what I even asked for, it did become my reality, and I had no other choice but to accept it and work hard to make it as comfortable for my kids as possible.
It doesn’t really matter how or why you might find yourself taking on the role as a single parent, what’s most important is creating the best life possible for both you and your family. Here I share five essential tips for surviving and thriving in the role as a single mom.
How to Survive and Thrive as a Single Mom
- Seek Others in Your Situation
- Empower Your Kids
- Don’t Worry About Being Judged
- Have an Emergency Savings Account
- Always Take Care of Yourself
Here they are in more detail.
1. Seek Others in Your Situation
When you begin to navigate your new role as a single parent, it is not only scary and uncertain, it can also be very lonely. Unfortunately, friendships will change and shift from your previous days when you were part of a couple. Some friends have a difficult time supporting you while they still have a relationship with your ex. Others just don’t know how to stay connected with you as you start a whole new life with just you and your kids. I had some friendships that I thought would last forever, but after my divorce they quietly faded away. It was awkward and sometimes hurtful, but it opened new doors for me to find other single moms to connect and bond with.
It's always better to have someone to talk with, lean on, share your frustrating and joyful moments with when that person is in your same shoes. One of my former colleagues became a widow at the same time I went through my divorce. She and I had been very close at one point but drifted apart once we left the dental practice we both worked in and started our families. We were (and still are) one another’s confidants, cheerleaders, movie dates, and everything else in between when we started our lives all over again. For the first few years we even went out together for Valentine’s Day and had so much fun.
Seeking out others in your situation can be one of the greatest gifts you give to yourself as you grow into your new role of single parenting.
2. Empower Your Kids
One of the biggest obstacles single parents face is the guilt they lay on themselves for putting their family in a new situation that can be daunting and quite unsettling. Our kids depend on us for their physical and emotional needs and the last thing we want to heap on them after a separation, divorce, or death is an unstable environment.
My eight kids were used to having a pretty comfortable lifestyle. We lived in a nice home with most of the amenities and technology needs they wanted, we went on vacations, and they were able to participate in nearly any extra-curricular activity or sport that suited their fancy. After our divorce, I went back to work (two jobs, in fact) and our lifestyle definitely wasn’t as easy as it was when it was a two-parent home. Not only did our financial structure change, my time away from the family changed drastically.
We had to all make adjustments and curb our wish lists a bit, but in turn we learned how to really make the most of the time we spent together when I wasn't working. As they’ve become older, they’ve gotten part-time jobs and have realized the value of working and paying for some of their big-ticket items. They all learned another valuable lesson: how to maintain our home. Everyone can do their own laundry, can cook a simple meal, we’ve all learned to do basic home repairs, and are much more careful about not being wasteful. Rather than dwell on what we might not have right now, my kids have become empowered over the past five years and are enjoying their newfound independence.
3. Don’t Worry About Being Judged
When we share any major announcement with the outside world—engagement, new baby, new home, new job, major illness, separation, or divorce—we never know how people will react. When it’s joyful news such as a pregnancy announcement or a job promotion, the commentary and feedback is usually very positive. In the case of a marriage ending, however, it can be a total mixed bag.
I still remember how I felt when our friends, family, and those in our community learned that the Butler family, with eight kids, were getting a divorce. I was embarrassed, uneasy, humiliated, and very unsure of myself. I had always considered myself a confident, poised woman but when the news of our divorce broke, I wanted to hide from the rest of the world..
In Psychology Today’s article How Not to Worry About What Others Think of You, Raj Raghunathan Ph.D. writes “Studies show that we consistently overestimate how much, and how badly, others think about us and our failings. An unfortunate consequence of this is that we are far more inhibited and far less spontaneous and joyful than we could be.”
I completely agree with Dr. Raghunathan’s perspective. Thankfully, I was seeing a wonderful therapist at the time. Her matter-of-fact advice is what helped me move forward with grace and strength. She told me that if I appeared to be OK with the divorce and didn’t have a “woe is me” attitude then I would set the tone for everyone else to be OK with it. Was she ever right! It took some practice, but I got used to sharing the news with confidence, which helped put most people at ease.
In addition, I found it very inspiring to read books about other single parents. One of my favorites is Holding Her Head High: 12 Single Mothers Who Championed Their Children and Changed History, written by actress Janine Turner.
4. Have an Emergency Savings Account
As I mentioned in tip #2 about empowering your children, when a double income home becomes a single income, a family’s financial world can be turned upside down in a heartbeat. Because I had been a stay-at-home mom for most of my marriage, I was by no means prepared to take on all the new financial responsibilities that would now become mine. I had to seek full-time employment immediately as well as a second part-time job. I didn’t have any investments of my own either. It wasn’t pretty!
Moms in general are always sacrificing self-care to take care of their families.
I had to learn the hard way with my finances, but I’ve received a lot of wonderful financial advice from experts along the way. One of my favorite resources is Emma Johnson who founded WealthySingleMommy.com. Johnson shares lots of financial advice with single moms, but one of the best tips I found was her advice to have an emergency savings account.
In 9 best savings accounts for single moms she discusses the extreme importance of having an emergency account. The article states “One of the easiest and yet most powerful tools in a single mom’s financial game is having an emergency fund. A minimum of $1,000 in an account for unexpected car or home repairs, unemployment, illness or any other of the zillions of things that life can dump in your lap usually comes with the need for extra cash. Without extra cash on hand, you live in fear. When you are afraid, you make less wise, long-sighted decisions—worse decisions. Money in the bank is power. Money in the bank is control. Money in the bank is a better life.”
I wasn’t able to start my emergency account with $1000 so I put every extra cent into it until I reached that goal, and my savings account continues to grow and won’t be touched unless it’s an absolute must.
5. Take Care of Yourself
Moms in general are always sacrificing self-care to take care of their families. Single moms find it even more difficult, many times impossible, to find a spare moment for themselves. When I was newly divorced, I tried to overcompensate for the time I wasn’t spending at home by staying up extra late doing dishes, finishing laundry, tidying our home, following up on e-mails, paying bills—whatever needed to be done. One of my favorite ways to spend alone time and stay in shape is to power walk every morning. I love to get up before the kids and hit the road for an energized three to five mile walk.
I sacrificed these walks for the first six months of my newly single life, and it was a decision I now regret. Taking time to care for your health as well as your emotional and mental well-being is not only imperative health-wise, it’s just as important for your family.
Years ago, I made a list of ways I could enjoy alone time. It included reading a book quietly in my bedroom to going to a spa for a facial. I continually add things to my “Me Time” list, even if they aren’t financially possible or feasible time-wise at this particular stage in my life. This list serves as a reminder that I deserve and need time to myself in order to take care of everyone else to the best of my ability.
How do you stay inspired as a single parent? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Image of a single mother © Shutterstock
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