I was married for 25 years when my husband and I divorced. Never did I think my “happily ever after” would take a turn down the road of divorce, but eight kids later I found myself in my late forties and newly single. Quite honestly, the first couple of years after my divorce are a bit of a blur, but despite my personal heartache, I had eight kids that were adjusting to our new family life and were depending on me now more than ever.
The newness of divorce can be quite surreal. There were many days when just going through the motions was a real accomplishment. I focused on three things—my kids and their continued well-being, managing my full and part-time jobs, and learning the ins and outs of creating an amicable relationship with my ex-husband for the sake of our kids and my own inner peace.
Nearly six years later, my new life is now my norm. We have created a positive post-divorce environment for our kids (now ages 12 through 25) and believe it or not, we actually have fun and enjoy our family. I’ve settled in to a very hectic career as both a full-time development assistant and freelance writer, have sent more kids off to college, am now a mother-in-law, am crazy in love with our eight-month old Golden Retriever named Dixie...oh, and I've started dating again!
Dating was the furthest thing from my mind after I got divorced. I mean the thoughts of starting all over again was both frightening and hilarious. Imagine a date arriving at my home and being greeted by my eight kids! Let’s just say my life was already quite busy and very fulfilling, so finding a new love interest just wasn’t a priority. But recently, that all changed when I met a nice guy in the produce department (you can’t make this stuff up) and he gave me his phone number. I won’t bore you with the details of this particular situation. However, the experience was actually quite pleasant (I could tell he was a gentleman by the way he selected fresh eggplant) and it launched me into the dating scene once again.
Dating while juggling motherhood can be a tricky balance. Here are 6 tips to keep in mind when you jump back in the dating saddle while still raising your family.
6 Tips to Dating While Raising a Family
- Knowing When You’re Ready
- Where To Begin Looking
- Sharing Your Dating News With Your Kids
- Pace Yourself
- Introductions to Your Kids
- Be Your Own Best Friend
Now we’ll check these tips out in more detail.
Tip #1: Knowing When You’re Ready
As I mentioned previously, dating after I divorced was the absolute furthest thing from my mind. I had enough to juggle caring for my family and working two full-time jobs to even be remotely interested in looking at a dating site to try and find a second Mr. Right. At that time, the perfect companion for me was our family’s middle-aged black lab and a great novel that I could escape into alone.
In addition, I also knew something else—I wanted to spend some time doing a bit of inside work on myself. Being married for 25 years and caring for a large family didn’t leave me much time to blink never mind sit and contemplate where my strengths and weaknesses were in the relationship department, so I decided that I would give myself a nice, long honeymoon period to figure out the positives and negatives that I carried as a woman, mother, writer, and of course an ex-wife and hopeful future partner to someone I could really grow old with.
My therapist at that time reminded me that I was now moving from being a “we” to a “me.” I loved that advice and took it to heart for several years after my divorce. We all have different needs and timetables, so knowing when you’re ready to get back in the saddle again will not be the same for you as it was for me, but I truly cherished the time I had alone, learning to know and love myself all over again. This time period also strengthened my relationship with all of my kids and (believe it or not) with my ex-husband. Living strong and confident is indeed a very attractive quality to sport.
Tip #2: Where to Begin Looking
Although I waited a few years to seriously pursue looking for a love interest again, I must admit: I am a die-hard romantic! I am one of those people who loves everything and anything to do with falling in love! Although my marriage ended in divorce, I will always have a place in my heart for my ex-husband, and to be honest, that feels really good. I’m happy that I spent my post-divorce alone time enjoying romantic novels and plays, soaking up other people’s love stories, and even daydreaming about my future charming love interest. It sure beats being bitter and angry!
I really had no plans of when to start dating until a situation was handed to me on a silver platter, or should I say in a bin of organic eggplants! Nearly two years ago, my 12-year-old son and I were grocery shopping on a cold, gray day in early spring. I was wearing jeans, had my hair pulled up with very little makeup on, and looked a bit disheveled. Out of nowhere, a gentleman approached me and asked me if I had ever made eggplant from scratch. The conversation went on from there for a good 20-plus minutes. Next thing I know, he asked me if he could leave his work phone number with me in case I’d like to get together and have a nice Italian dinner! Enter my 12-year-old son who was casually observing all this next to the bananas. My son came over and I introduced him to my new friend. They shook hands and my son said, “I hope you like children because my mom has eight of them!” Without missing a beat, Mr. Eggplant said, “I sure do, I’m a college professor and child psychologist!”
This exchange was exactly what I needed to get back into the dating game again. It was unexpected yet comfortable and playful—right up my alley. We dated for several months, but he relocated to a University in England so it was short-lived. After getting my feet wet with the Professor, however, I knew I was ready to give love a try again.
Most women my age are using online dating sites, but that wasn’t for me. Others try coffee shops, wine bars, blind dates, their kid’s sporting events, church outings, or even dog parks. If you have a gal pal that’s going through a similar situation, you can lean on each other, but when you’re squeezing all this in between your career and caring for your kids, find an avenue that you’re comfortable with rather than obsessed with.
Tip #3: Sharing Your Dating News With Your Kids
When I was ready to start dating again, my oldest was 22 and my youngest was about ten. I had teens that were dating at the same time as I was! I didn’t have to say much because my son came home and announced I had met someone who seemed to like fresh vegetables and had given me his phone number. My youngest daughter giggled and my older kids thought it impressive I had scored a possible date while running around in old jeans and a ponytail. I did take that opportunity, however, to let them know I felt ready to be on the dating scene again, and asked them how they felt about it. Much to my delight, they were supportive and talkative about the topic. Chatter of perhaps meeting someone with a private plane or who had season tickets to The Red Sox were part of the banter, but it opened the gate for me to feel comfortable going out with someone other than their father.
Tip #4: Pace Yourself
Once you believe you’ve met your perfect match, you really have to find the balance between your kids, work, and love. It’s so exciting to be falling in love again! Your stomach has those quivering butterflies and the rest of the world can totally come to a screeching halt. However—meals still need to be made, boo boos still need to be kissed, and bills still need to be paid. In short, the rest of your life still needs to happen.
Even though you may be falling fast and hard, stay true to yourself! Of course it’s natural to get swept away when someone new enters the picture and pays you lots of attention and is enamored with your every move, but don’t forget how much your kids adore and need you as well. My kids had me to themselves for several years after my divorce, so when I did find true love again, I knew I had to consider their feelings as well as my own. My motto? "Slow and steady wins the race." (More on that in my last tip.)
Tip #5: Introductions to Your Kids
If you’re new to the dating world like I was, not only do you worry about what your new date will think about the way you slurp your soup or how your maternal body looks in a pair of white jeans, you also have something else in the mix—how and when to tell your kids that you have met someone you really care about.
There’s a lot of advice out there on this very important topic, and from experience, I’d like to agree with Dr. Jenn Mann, author of The Relationship Fix, who recommends waiting it out. In an article about dating as a single mom, she emphatically states, “Don’t involve children in your dating life until you’re relatively sure the person is a long-term keeper,” says Dr. Jenn. “I suggest single moms wait six to 12 months—that’s typically how long the ‘honeymoon phase’ lasts.”
Without throwing my ex-husband under the bus, he began dating minutes after our divorce. I’m over it now, but feel the need to share some tidbits that were a big learning factor for me and my kids. None of us had any clue he had a new love in his life, so when he invited our kids to a dinner to tell them something that would make them all very excited...let’s just say they thought they had a trip to Disney or something in that range to look forward to. Imagine their surprise when they arrived and his new girlfriend walked in. They were so unprepared and totally flabbergasted! My ten-year-old son hid in the restaurant bathroom for 30 minutes (the rest of the customers were none too pleased!) because he was so taken aback. That introduction was quite unsettling to my kids, and they let their father know it. Just because he was excited about this new relationship did not mean our kids would be.
My kids were wanting the best for me, as I have always wanted for them.
Experts say that it’s important to consider the age and personality of your children. "As kids get older, you may choose to share more casual details about your new boyfriend," says Esther Boykin, a licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship coach. "But for younger kids it's often best to start by introducing the idea that you have a new friend who you like to spend time with." When you're finally ready for the first meeting, start with a casual group activity your kids enjoy, like a picnic at a park with friends who have kids.
I learned from my ex-husband’s mistake, albeit a few years later. When parents divorce, kids unfortunately get divorced from that stable family unit they thought they’d always have. Keeping my kids in a secure state of mind was always my first intention.
Now, the moment you may have been waiting for. I finally did meet that special someone. 18 months ago to be exact! It was a very innocent moment at work. A wonderful guy I dated over 25 years ago when I was working in a dental practice re-entered my life, and I am currently in the midst of raising eight terrific kids while I fall in love all over again.
I took Dr. Jenn’s advice and didn’t introduce my new love to my family until six months later. They knew I had met someone that made my heart sing, but I downplayed it until I was quite sure there was a possibility we had something special going forward.
Before my kids met my new beau, I talked about it with them. They saw how excited I was getting ready to go out on a dinner date with him. They noticed that I paid a bit (OK, a lot) more attention to how I chose an outfit to wear when I went out. They caught me looking in the mirror when I talked about this terrific new person in my life. They blew my mind—they encouraged me, cheered me on, and told me to “go for it” just as I have coached them when they have a pivotal moment in their own lives. I was living an “aha” moment in parenting. My kids were wanting the best for me, as I have always wanted for them.
Tip #6: Be Your Own Best Friend
I’ve been dating my new soulmate for 18 months now and truly have never been happier. I’ve survived the awkward firsts: burping out loud (ugh!), eating food that dangles between my front teeth, revealing my mother-of-eight figure in a bathing suit, walking out of the ladies’ room with toilet paper stuck to my shoe (could be worse, right?), and even introducing him to my ex-husband. But my kids and my family love that I’m so happy and have welcomed him into our lives unconditionally.
While that’s all a huge comfort to me, something else resonates even more—staying in touch with myself.
I yearned to learn how to care for myself, first and foremost, after my divorce. And to be able to balance the lives of my eight kids, my career, and a new love interest was the cherry on top of the sundae. When you invest the time to make things right in your own world, you create a win/win situation for your entire family!
How did you manage the dating scene with your kids? Share your thoughts in the comments section at quickanddirtytips.com/mighty-mommy, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at Pinterest.com/MightyMommyQDT
Image of first date © Shutterstock
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