Last week I attended my son’s high school soccer game. Because I work full time, attending games at 3:30 in the afternoon is truly a luxury, so when I can pull it off, it’s a huge score for both my son and me. I arrived without incident (and actually remembered to bring him a chilled Gatorade!) and settled into the bleachers with a few other parents. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky, and even better—I was having a great hair day!
The team took the field and the game was off and running. I didn’t have a care in the world. My 9th-grade son was playing Varsity and was having a great game. My iced tea was hitting the spot, yet just when I was about to indulge in some snacks the insults began. No, it wasn’t fans from the “other team” hurling rude comments towards our guys—it was a couple of our “own” criticizing and ridiculing their own kids and their friends. Yikes!
What is a Toxic Parent?
Though we as parents may find this hard to believe, without even realizing it we can offer up extremely negative comments and send discouraging vibes towards our kids through our choice of words, tone of voice, and body language. This type of behavior is known as toxic parenting and not only is it hurtful, it can be tremendously damaging.
Toxic means poisonous, noxious, contaminated. In the article Toxic Parenting, “the phrase toxic parent was coined to describe parents whose own negative behavior grossly inflicts emotional damage which contaminates their children's sense of self.” If you've ever caught yourself lapsing into a state of toxic parentnig, here are four examples and strategies to turn it around fast.
4 Tips to Fix Toxic Parenting
- Don’t talk over your child
- Curb your own negativity
- Stop being overly critical
- Don’t use guilt to control your child
Let's dive a little deeper into each.
Tip #1: Don’t Talk Over Your Child
Communication isn’t just about coordinating the car pool or giving gentle reminders to your kids that they’d better put away the laundry "or else." It’s about sharing your true feelings, desires, fears, and experiences with those who are dearest to you. Engaging in strong, meaningful conversation is the key to building a solid family life. This doesn’t always come easy to everyone, but when you're mindful of how you're speaking and listening to your kids, everyone benefits.
A while back I heard a terrific acronym—W.A.I.T., or Why Am I Talking? When trying to improve any relationship, listening is far more important than chatting. Whether it’s your spouse, your kids, or even a co-worker, if they have something important on their minds that they want to share, let them have the floor and tune in with interest. Interject your thoughts and responses when appropriate, but try and step back
Tip #2: Curb Your Own Negativity
I’ve always believed that parents set the emotional tone in their home environment. When we’re exhausted and cranky we are less patient with our kids and our spouse, and we can nag and snap more easily. Yet when we’re happy and energized we set off a spunky, positive vibe and the entire family lightens up. In 11 Ways You’re Being a Toxic Parent—Without Even Knowing It, Jeffrey Bernstein, PhD, an internationally-recognized child psychology expert and author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, says that a parent's thoughts are often at the root of negative behavior in children. He explains, "No kid is perfect, but parents often don't realize just how much their own thoughts, rather than their children's behavior, contribute to their own emotions."
Parents that catch themselves in a cycle of negative thinking should take a step back and rephrase their negative thoughts into more positive ones. For example, rephrasing the thought "He's being such a brat today," into, "He's having a hard time today, I wonder what's going on," can have a big impact on your interaction with your child.
Tip #3: Stop Being Overly Critical
Those who know me well or who have been following Mighty Mommy for the past few years know my friends and family have lovingly nicknamed me Pollyanna. It's a reference to my inner nature which hasn't changed since my pre-school days. I've always had a happy-go-lucky personality, point me to any situation no matter how bleak and I'll find the silver lining. This has definitely been the foundation of my parenting for the past 24 years, especially when times get tough. And with eight kids, times can get tough. My ex-husband also shares these same qualities, yet had to overcome years of a very negative upbringing because his parents were highly critical of him and his siblings. If he received an A minus on a report, his parents wondered why he couldn’t pull of an A plus. If he struck out four batters during a baseball game, the focus was on the runs he gave up.
In 13 Signs Of A Toxic Parent That Many People Don't Realize the article reinforces that overly critical parents can damage a child’s sense of self for the long run with their constant criticisms.
“Everyone’s parents criticize from time to time. Without this component, we might never learn how to do numerous things properly, such as everyday chores like washing laundry. A toxic parent takes this to extremes by being overly critical about everything their child does. Parents can make the mistake of believing that they do this to make sure their children avoid making costly mistakes. Unfortunately, what this behavior really does is causing the child to develop a harsh inner critic that can be borderline crippling during adulthood.”
Constructive criticism is necessary for any human being to grow and learn, but picking your child apart on an everyday basis is like poison. Don’t forget to catch your child (and your spouse and co-workers) doing something good. “Annie, I love how you took the extra time to play with the dog before you had to rush out the door for school” is much more encouraging than stating, “If you had your act together, you could’ve taken the dog for a longer walk before you almost miss the bus.”
Tip #4: Don’t Use Guilt to Control Your Child
Let’s face it, nearly every parent (including myself) has laid a guilt trip on their child at one time or another. Just a few weeks ago, for example, I moved my son back to college for his junior year. We traveled in horrific rain and wind for nearly six hours to finally arrive and then spend an hour unpacking and getting him settled. He was safely and happily reunited with all his college buddies and anxious to spend the first night back hanging out with them. After my long day of traveling (not to mention feeling sad that I wouldn’t see him for several months until the holidays) I remarked with a comment like, “Oh sure, now that you’re back with your friends you don’t need your mother any longer.” I truly meant it as a joke, but he took it seriously and said he’d forget about his friends that night and would go have dinner with his sister and myself.
According to Guy Winch, Ph.D., “guilt trips are a clear form of psychological manipulation and coercion.” While those who suffered through guilt during their upbringing may blow it off as a necessary part of growing up, Dr. Winch states that this type of communication is not as harmless as we may think. He further mentions that those “who use guilt trips are usually entirely focused on getting the result they want and entirely blind to the damage their methods can cause.”
When my son comes home for the holidays you can bet I’m not going to make a single comment about his wanting to go see his girlfriend rather than chilling out at our house his first night back. Instead, I’m going to welcome him home with a big hug and tell him to enjoy not having to worry about exams and classes for a few weeks.
How do you handle toxic parenting situations in your family? Share your thoughts in the comments section at http://ift.tt/1zMEe2L, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5
Image of a scolding parent © Shutterstock
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