8 Effective Strategies to Deal with Teen Drama

The new school year dust is finally beginning to settle and families are adjusting to their routines: rising early to catch the bus, making sure lunch boxes and backpacks are ready the night before (or part of the early morning scramble!), figuring out the logistics of after-school practices and activities, and strategizing on how to stay on top of homework, reports, projects and oh—yes—tween and teen friendship drama!

If you’ve got adolescent children in your midst, particularly girls, you’ve most likely experienced the emotional roller coaster that accompanies this somewhat turbulent time in their development. You’ll witness overly dramatic reactions to seemingly minor events whether it be the heart-wrenching spreading of gossip or starting trouble on social media, or perhaps you have a child with an on-again, off-again teen romance.  Whatever the case may be for the crisis or drama, the constant turmoil can be frustrating and leave parents feeling totally helpless.

As the parent of eight, most of whom are teens or now in their early twenties, I have witnessed decades of drama. Interestingly, I've noticed it’s gotten much more pronounced with my youngest two (a tween and young teen) than it was when my oldest few were in the trenches of junior and high school. Here are 8 effective strategies to deal with all the teen drama.

8 Ways to Deal with Teen Drama

1. Be calm
2. Listen up
3. Encourage a wide network of friends
4. Advocate for self-respect
5. Discourage the social media war
6. Discourage the victim role
7. Identify helpful resources
8. Promote the golden rule

Let's explain each strategy a bit more thoroughly. 

Strategy #1: Be Calm

As a parent, when we see one of our kids experiencing emotional hurt, our instincts are to want to fix the situation immediately so they won’t have to suffer any longer than necessary. My 12-year old daughter has had a rough start to her 6th-grade year in middle school because some of her friendships have taken an unexpected trip down drama lane. It’s very difficult to watch from the sidelines and not get riled up when you see your once happy-go-lucky child down in the dumps over circumstances that seem unfair and, quite frankly, plain old mean!

I must admit one of my first reactions was to want to join in and get upset right along with her, but I realized that that would only add fuel to the fire. In How to End Teen Girl Drama psychologist Laura Kastner, co-author of Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens and Teens recommends staying calm and asking your daughter to do the same. “When your teen reports drama that has hurt her feelings or made her feel ostracized by her friends, it's tempting to get upset or join forces with your teen to become dramatic, but that won't help the situation. One of the benefits that your daughter gets from drama is your attention. Ensure that you give her positive attention by using the complaint as a catalyst for communication, rather than reinforcing the drama.”

Strategy #2: Listen Up

One of the most important, yet seemingly difficult, things we can do for our children is to be attentive listeners. With so many distractions in our busy lives—cell phones that are on 24/7, work commitments, homework and sports practices, play dates, pet responsibilities, grocery shopping—we tend to multi-task our way through the day, often neglecting any quiet time to listen to our loved ones.

Becoming a good listener when your child wants to share something is key to fostering understanding and trust, yet many times we listen half-heartedly without even realizing it because we are simply in the habit of being too busy. 

It’s completely normal to want to fix whatever’s wrong in your child’s life, especially if it's making the child sad, frustrated, or afraid. Kids need to have their feelings validated, not swept under the carpet. If your daughter's boyfriend has just broken up with her, don’t rush to say something like, “You’re better off without him, you’ll find someone much better.” Listen to her as she shares her pain and let her know you understand: “It never feels good to have someone say they don’t want to spend time with us. It’s OK to feel sad about this right now." You don’t want to encourage wallowing in self-pity, but let her have a chance to share and then process her feelings, and once that’s happened you can jump in and try to cheer her up.

Strategy #3: Encourage a Wide Network of Friends

One of the simplest, yet most powerful prevention strategies for helping kids cope with friendship challenges is to encourage them to cast a wide net which will help them seek out friendships both in their neighborhood, at school, on a team, and through a club, a church youth group, or co-workers.

Tara Reddington, school psychologist and owner of G6 Family Coaching in Rhode Island (as well as mother of five) notes that lots of times girls throw out bait to "test" their relationships, and that this type of behavior is unhealthy and hurtful. “Remind girls that it's OK to have lots of friends and they don't have to hide it when they hang out with one group, for fear that the other group may get mad at them. There is a lot of game playing with girls. That's where boys can take the lead in teaching their female counterparts. Boys will hang out with anyone and often the first available. They don't care who knows or who finds out. There is no hidden agenda and no paranoia involved.”

Strategy #4: Advocate for Self-Respect

Most times, teen friendships that are tested by various dramatic situations—gossip, intentionally leaving a friend out of a party invitation, stealing a boyfriend—are eventually repaired and life goes on.

There will be, however, occasions when the friendship cannot withstand the hurt and bad feelings, and those involved will part ways and the friendship will end. If that happens, encourage your teen to do so with respect for both herself and the person she is ending the relationship with.

In 4 Steps to Help Your Daughter Deal with Middle School Drama, a helpful mantra is recommended for tweens and teens: create distance with dignity. “No matter what your daughter’s friends are doing—how cold or exclusive they have become—encourage her to avoid ugly wars of words. Remind her not to use fake apologies or justify unkindness with “just kidding.” Discourage her from talking badly about the former friends to others. In fact, teach your child not to put much energy into the broken friendship at all. Appreciate it for what it once was, but shift her focus to all that is going right in her life—to the friendships and activities that help her feel good about herself.”

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Strategy #5: Discourage the Social Media War

Educating both boys and girls about the dangers of spreading rumors and socially "ganging up" on another peer is very important, particularly in today’s world with so many social media avenues available. Tara Reddington advises, “We need to tap into their consciences so they learn to recognize what's healthy and what's hurtful. I encourage girls to be transparent in their social relationships. If there was a hurtful exchange, they need to deal with it head on and not through texting. The social media options for increasing damage are limitless. Years ago, it was a scribbled note that could easily be destroyed. Now, what is put in text or on social media is forever and can travel widely at insanely high speeds.” 

So remind your young teen that although "sticks and stones can break our bones but words can never hurt us," that isn’t exactly the case once hurtful words are posted on social media for thousands of people to see. If there’s even a remote chance that a post can harm another person or even themselves, think twice before hitting the send button. Once posted, the damage may not be easily undone.

Strategy #6: Discourage the Victim Role

And then there’s the victim role! As a school psychologist, Reddington has counseled hundreds of adolescents who are involved in various teen drama scenarios. “Always walk your child through the process of figuring out where did she go wrong so she can hold herself accountable and not get caught up in the victim role. There is less often a 'perpetrator and a victim' and more often a 'takes two' (or three or four...) to tango type of situation. Make sure your child can walk back through the scenario and identify what they should have or could have done differently. If they can honestly say they tried their best and did nothing to intentionally harm or hurt someone, then that's great for them. Their jury of peers may still try and convict them, but that is when kids need to stay strong and opt for new social groups. The sad truth is, sometimes the motivating behavior is just plain meanness.”  

Parents should always engage in preemptive talks with their kids and ask questions to stay on top of their child's relationships.

Strategy #7: Identify Helpful Resources

Parents are often running in many different directions, juggling the balance between home and work. Unfortunately, this means parents can sometimes miss the signs their child is suffering from teen drama, or they just don’t know how or when to get involved. If the situation turns out to be more than idle teen drama and you suspect your child is being bullied, contact a school counselor, teacher, or a school administrator for professional support.

In addition, parents should always engage in preemptive talks with their kids and ask lots of questions to stay on top of their child's engagements and relationships, that way if something does seem to be “off” in any social area of their child’s life they will be more apt to catch a problem early on. If talking with your child can be difficult or even awkward, take advantage of opportune moments. Kids often open up more when we aren't looking directly at them. Your child may feel more comfortable talking while driving in the car, folding laundry, or even when the lights are turned down in their rooms before they go to bed. You can still be a great listener when you aren’t looking right into their eyes, and if that makes them feel more comfortable, you may get them to share even more with you.

Strategy #8: Promote the Golden Rule

We need to empower our kids to stand up for themselves but also to stand up for what is right. Many people are familiar with the "Golden Rule": "Do to others what you want them to do to you."

Reminding our kids about that rule and how they want to be treated is always a good moral compass to help keep them on the right track.

How have you handled the ups and downs of teen drama in your family’s life? Share your thoughts in the comments section at http://ift.tt/1zMEe2L, post your ideas on the Mighty Mommy Facebook page. or email me at mommy@quickanddirtytips.com. Visit my family-friendly boards at http://ift.tt/1wyJKr5.

How to Handle a Toxic Family Member

A toxic relative can blow up a Thanksgiving dinner, destroy a weekend visit, and leave a path of destruction through a family vacation. They bring new meaning to the term “nuclear family.”

You can’t cut the bad apples from the family tree, but that doesn’t mean you have to let their poison spread from branch to branch. This week, with big thanks to an anonymous listener in Vancouver, we’ll reveal five options to distance yourself from a toxic person in your family.

How to Deal with Toxic Family Members

1. To get started, get clarity.
2. Rewrite your part in the family drama.
3. Test out new rules of engagement.
4. Surf the wave.
5. Cut ties, for a while or forever.

Option #1: To get started, get clarity.

With toxic family members, we are often blinded to reality. Sometimes we’re blinded by optimism: we overlook their latest shenanigans because we just want to smooth things over. We make excuses for them under the guise of hope. We are loyal because they’re blood.

But sometimes we’re blinded to the reality of the situation by resentment. We ignore their efforts to reach out because we’re holding a grudge. We think they’re being manipulative or aren’t capable of change. Often that’s true, but sometimes it’s not.

So start by trying to see things as they really are. A helpful way to do this is to make a big list. On one side, write down the good times—those times you’ve felt supported by them, they came through for you, you felt loved. On the other side, write out the bad times—the times they hurt you, ignored you when you needed help, or actively tried to undermine or control you. Look at both frequency and magnitude. Seeing your interactions in black and white can help you determine whether your relationship deserves to be thrown a life preserver or is essentially dead in the water.

Option #2: Rewrite your part in the family drama.

Remember As You Like It from high school English class? “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players.” But here’s the little-remembered next line: “They have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts.”

If you’re stuck in family drama, maybe it’s time to play another part. For instance, a 23-year-old client of mine—we’ll call her Riley*—realized her parents had unwittingly assigned her the role of convincing her self-destructive brother to turn his life around while they simultaneously covered for his DUIs and insisted he’d surely look for a job any day now.

Riley realized it was a losing battle to try and save him while her parents enabled him. Only he could save himself, plus her parents needed to gather the courage to talk to him directly rather than send her as the messenger. Ultimately, Riley set some limits—she wouldn’t act as their go-between and she wouldn’t participate in phone calls where they worried about him without taking action. She didn’t drop out of the play, but she did rewrite her role.

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Option #3: Test out new rules of engagement.

A toxic family member is like a forest fire—they need to be contained by drawing some lines. There are lots of ways to contain how you interact with them: you can set limits on the size of the group, duration of contact, location, and more.

For instance, you can decide you’re willing to visit but only if you stay in a hotel. Perhaps you’ll only see them at big events like weddings or funerals, not intimate gatherings. Maybe you’re willing to see them when they’re less likely to be drinking, like kids’ birthday parties or brunch. Maybe texts and emails are fine, but not long, draining, one-sided phone calls. Perhaps you’ll see them for a meal, but nothing longer.

Whatever rules of engagement you decide on, also include plans to attend to relationships you might otherwise miss out on. Do your best to see your toxic family member’s kids or spouse without them present. Your toxic relative might foil your plans, but then again, they may not. Give it a try, and you just might get to have your cake and eat it, too.

Estrangement is never easy, so it makes sense not to go it alone.

Option #4: Surf the wave.

Family drama usually comes in predictable waves. Approximately midway through a family vacation, for instance, or after 10 PM and a few bottles of wine, or anytime there’s a funeral and the estate gets divided. Once you know the pattern, you can plan. Your plan may be to lay low until the drama blows over, or it may be to ride it out but take extra good care of yourself during the height of the storm. Either way, a little advance planning and testing the waters can keep you from getting caught in the flood.

Option #5: Cut ties, for a while or forever.

Estrangement is a paradoxical animal: it’s surprisingly common, but most people keep it hidden. It’s drastic, but sometimes it’s the best thing to do. It can be triggered by true injustices, but also by petty reasons no one can even remember.

In a study of almost 900 estranged families, the two most common reasons parents cut off their kids were 1) a sense of entitlement—most often demanding money, or 2) what the researchers called “objectionable relationships,” like opposing a child’s partner of a different race, the same sex, or simply the old standby of “a bad influence.”

Adult children most often cut off their parents because of the parent’s toxic behavior—what the researchers described as continual situations of “cruelty, anger, or perpetual disrespect.” Adult kids also cut ties when they felt unaccepted or rejected, perhaps due to a disability, their sexual orientation, or that Hollywood divorce standby: “irreconcilable differences.”

The average age of estrangement, at least in the study, was 31. Interestingly, that’s about the age where people are starting or settling in to families of their own. Indeed, sometimes a new baby brings extended families together, but sometimes it creates a sense of perspective, as in: “I would never treat my child the way they treated me,” which in turn triggers action.

Regardless of how or why it’s initiated, estrangement drives mixed emotions. If you go this route—whether for a few weeks or the rest of your life—it’s okay to feel conflicted, especially at first. For instance, you might feel tremendous relief, but you might also feel sadness or grief, especially if you’re estranging yourself from a close family member—a parent, an adult child, a sibling. Just remember you’re not crazy if you find yourself missing someone you never want to see again.

Of course, do your best to surround yourself with kindness and support. Estrangement is never easy, so it makes sense not to go it alone.

A final note: these five ways to distance yourself from a toxic family member all assume you’ve already done your best to work it out. I know, I know, some people don’t listen, will never change, or just twist your words and throw them back at you. When that happens, distance is the way to go. After all, when your toxic family member overwhelms your life with their issues, it’s okay to cancel your subscription.

*As always, client names and identifiers have been changed to protect privacy.

For even more savvy, get every Savvy Psychologist episode delivered straight to your inbox by signing up for the Savvy Psychologist newsletter. Or subscribe to the podcast on iTunes or Stitcher, listen on Spotify, or like on Facebook.

Image courtesy of Shutterstock.

Quotation Marks with Periods and Commas

Today, as promised, we’ll talk about how to mix quotation marks with other punctuation.

Quotation Marks with Commas and Periods

One of the most common question people ask me is whether periods and commas go inside or outside a closing quotation mark, and there’s a reason everyone is confused. The rules in American English are different from the rules in British English, so if you’re regularly reading American and British publications, such as the BBC and CNN websites, you’ll regularly see it done different ways.

In America, we use a hard-and-fast rule that was supposedly designed by compositors to protect the tiny commas and periods (1, 2). We always put periods and commas inside quotation marks.

In Britain, they use rules that require the writer to determine whether the period or comma belong with the quotation or are part of the larger sentence. It appears that early champions of this logical system were H.W. Fowler and F.G. Fowler who wrote the classic 1906 British usage guide The King’s English (3). In it, the brothers describe the British logical system of punctuation. They note that they are in conflict with compositors, people who set type, but the Fowlers believe their system is better.

In short, my U.S.-centric memory trick is to remember that inside the U.S., periods and commas go inside quotation marks.

Squiggly said, “I hate packing for a vacation.”
“I hate packing for a vacation,” said the yellow snail.

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I also have to share a funny comment from the website. Michael from the University of Tennessee in Knoxville said, “Almost 60 years ago a linotype operator told me, ‘Commas and periods always go inside the quotation marks because if we wait for the [editorial side] to quit arguing about it, we'd never get the paper out.’”

That made me laugh, and I’ll add that this is the rule that I get the most pushback on. It is a hard-and-fast rule of American English, but every time I post something about it, I get all kinds of comments from Americans who say they think it’s a stupid rule, they don’t care what the stylebooks say, and they’re going to do it the British way. So there! And all I can say is that it’s your choice. I can only tell you the rules. If you want to do it some other way, that’s completely up to you.

Quotation Marks with Exclamation Points and Question Marks

When combining exclamation points and question marks with quotation marks, however, Americans follow the same logical system as the British. Where you place the other marks relative to the quotation mark depends on the context of the quotation.

If the whole sentence, including the quotation, is a question or an exclamation, then the question mark or exclamation point goes outside the closing quotation mark; but if only the part inside the quotation marks is a question or exclamation, then the question mark or exclamation point goes inside the closing quotation mark. Examples will help.

In this sentence, the whole thing is a question, so the question mark goes after the closing quotation mark:

Did she ask you whether you enjoyed Aardvark’s song “Ode to Ants”?

However, in this sentence only the part in quotation marks is a question, so the question mark goes inside the closing quotation mark:

I love Aardvark’s song “Where Have All the Ants Gone?”

The same rules apply for exclamation points.

Quotation Marks with Semicolons and Colons

With semicolons, colons, asterisks, and dashes, we get back to a simple rule. They go outside the closing quotation mark.

I love “Ode to Ants”; it’s insightful and moving.
“Ode to “Ants”: A Moving and Insightful Song
Aardvark’s greatest hit is “Ode to Ants.”*
I love “Ode to Ants”--it’s insightful and moving.  

Summary

In American English, periods and commas always go inside the closing quotation mark; semicolons, colons, asterisks, and dashes always go outside the closing quotation mark; and question marks and exclamation points require that you analyze the sentence and make a decision based on context.

References

1. pthompsen, "Typesetters' Quotes vs. Logical Quotes" MacHeist Forum. http://cli.gs/pRSE2g (accessed August 22, 2011).

2. 2. Wikipedia contributors, "Quotation mark," Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, http://ift.tt/2yuotUM (accessed August 22, 2011).

3. 3. Fowler H.W. and Fowler F.G., The King’s English, Oxford at the Clarendon Press, 1906 (accessed via Google Books August 22, 2011 http://j.mp/pbfmyu)

*co-written with Squiggly

Using a To-Do List to Boost Your Fitness Success

Between your job, your friends, your hobbies, your family, and pretty much everything else you want to get done, achieving your fitness goals and nailing your workouts is often harder than it should be. Simply creating an effective to-do list can be a major key to staying on track.

I know for some of you reading the words “to-do list” makes your eyes roll but it doesn’t have to be like that. To help you get your started, I am going to tell you my recipe for success.

3 Ingredients in an Effective To-Do List

1. Use a note-taking app that syncs.
2. Have a to-do list for today, tomorrow, and even into next week. 
3. Include things you enjoy doing!

Let's dive deeper into each ingredient. 

Use a Note-taking App That Syncs

I use the Notes app that comes preinstalled on all Apple devices. It is simple, clean and most importantly it syncs across all my devices. Yeah, I am one of those guys who has an iPhone, iPad, iMac, and a MacBook Pro. Hey! What can I say? I work in digital media.

The reason syncing across all devices is important is twofold. I find my stress level is much lower if I can add an item to my to-do list at the moment I think of it (even if it is the middle of the night) and I also like to be able to knock things off the list as soon as they are complete—and then check what awesome task is up next.

Have a To-Do List for Today, Tomorrow, and Beyond

I have a to-do list for today, tomorrow, and all the way into next week. This stops me from creating one single never ending list-of-crap that needs to get done... eventually. Instead, I create a strategic, day-by-day list of what needs to get done, when it needs to get done, on the day that suits it the best.

Yes, the weekends do get included on my to-do list as well but generally I try to limit it to items like “open water swim” and “call mom” or “bike with Ellie” or occasionally “finish the %$&* blog post.”

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It isn’t just a dreaded list of jobs that I need to get done, it's also a fun list of awesome things I am going to do.

Include Things You Enjoy

The final ingredient in my to-do list recipe is that I add pretty much everything I need or want to do on that day. This way it isn’t just a dreaded list of jobs that I need to get done, it's also a fun list of awesome things I am going to do and also some tasks that I am somewhat ambivalent about.

For example, my to-do list for today:

• Respond to email & social media comments.
• Take salmon out of the freezer for dinner.
• Go the gym - 9:00 am.
• Review skywalkerfitness.ca athlete's workout data.
• Coaching call with Jessica - 2:00 pm.
• Finish creating week 14 of weightless.me.
• Write the outline of “To-do List” blog post.
• Watch replay of the Montreal Triathlon.
• No food after 7:00 pm.
• Do homework (I am learning Spanish).

By including things like watching a triathlon or reminding myself that I want to do a short fast (by not eating between dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow) I have my chores, my work, my play, and my goals all in one easy to find spot.

When I see “go to the gym” every single time I look at my to-do list, it increases my resolve to make it happen.

By including daily wellness goals on my to-do list, I find my ability to achieve them skyrockets. When I see “go to the gym” or “no food after dinner” every single time I look at my to-do list during a day or a week, it incrementally increases my resolve to make those things happen.

An interesting thing that happens when you write your to-do list is something that takes a little bit of mindfulness. If I add an item to my to-do list and it makes my stomach clench, I take that as a reason to pause and evaluate why exactly I am doing that particular activity. Of course, if it is “do taxes” there is not much I can do about that but if “5-mile run” makes me tense up, I need to think about that. Why am I dreading a run? What aspect of that run is not striking me as enjoyable? And most importantly, what could I do instead of that run that would not make my stomach clench (there are so many ways to get fit in the world, why would I do something that I don’t enjoy?) This is a small but meaningful added bonus of using your to-do list not only as a way to organize your day, ensure you fit your workouts in, but to also evaluate what you are doing, why you are doing it, and what you potentially could be doing instead.

All of this together is why I am a lifelong "to-do lister" who hasn’t missed a workout (without a really good reason) in a very, very long time. 

For more info on motivation, tips on being on top of your workouts, and to join the to-do list conversation, head over to http://ift.tt/1xq4tPg or http://twitter.com/getfitguy. Also don't forget to subscribe to the Get-Fit Guy podcast on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, SoundCloud, Spotify, Google Play or via RSS.

Phrases About Rain

The past few weeks, we’ve been hearing about the epic rains that have hit Texas and Louisiana. It’s been devastating—more than 27 trillion gallons of rain were dumped on the region in just six days. While at the same time, on the other side of the world, people were dying from floods in India, Nepal, and Bangladesh, and now we’re watching Hurricane Irma wreak havoc.

Although it’s a small matter compared to the actual flooding, hearing all the news got us thinking about the role that rain plays in our language. For example, we talk about scheduling events “rain or shine”—meaning we’ll hold them no matter the weather. On the other hand, we talk of events being rained out—canceled because of weather. We have “rain boots,” more poetically known as “galoshes,” “gumboots,” or “Wellingtons.” And we have “rain coats,” also called “slickers” and “sou’westers.”  

We also use several idioms related to rain.

Here are a few you’ll recognize.

Saving for a Rainy Day

First, there’s the expression “to save for a rainy day.” This phrase means to save money while you can—as protection against some future time when you can’t. The “rainy day” in this expression refers to a time of trouble or scarcity.

This phrase can be traced all the way back to 1580, when it was used in a comic play called “The Bugbears” in the line, “Would he have me keep nothing against a rainy day”?

Rain on One’s Parade

Rain also takes a negative cast in the expression “to rain on someone’s parade.” This phrase means to spoil someone’s plans. Imagine you were planning on spending the weekend at the beach, but your boss tells you at the last minute that you have to work on Saturday. You could say that he “rained on your parade.” 

This expression evokes the image of a celebration, like a parade or a picnic, being ruined by an unexpected downpour. 

This phrase is relatively new to our language. You may have heard it first in the 1964 musical “Funny Girl.” Barbara Streisand sung “Don’t Rain on My Parade” on the stage and in the film adaptation.

Rain Check

Next, there’s the less obvious phrase “to give someone a rain check.” You can use this expression if someone invites you to an event that you can’t attend, but you’d like to reschedule. For example, if a friend invited you to the movies on a night you had to study, you could say this: “I can’t go Thursday, but can I give you a rain check for next week?” 

This term comes from baseball. In the 1880s, when a ballgame was rained out, patrons got a “rain check” that gave them free admission to a future game. In the early 1900s, this term was extended to other types of events and then to sales. For example, if you tried to buy an item that was advertised as being on sale—but the store was out of stock—the storekeeper could give you a rain check. It would let you buy the item later for the sale price.

Rainmaker

Next we have “rainmaker,” a term that finally puts rain in a positive light. A rainmaker is someone who secures income for a business or organization. It might be a partner who brings in prestigious clients. A salesperson who closes lucrative deals. Or a volunteer who raises millions of dollars for a charity.

The term “rainmaker” originally referred to someone who could literally cause rain, either through spiritual or supernatural means. When your life depends on growing food—and growing food depends on rain—a rainmaker would be someone who brought value beyond any amount of money. 

The literal use of this term can be traced back to 1775; the figurative use, to bring in money, began more than 100 years later, in 1897.

Raining Cats and Dogs

Finally, there’s a mystery idiom—the phrase “it’s raining cats and dogs.” We know this means that there’s a real downpour.

But where do the cats and dogs come in?

One explanation lies in mythologies that associate cats with rain and dogs with wind. (Think of witches and cats riding broomstick on a stormy night, for example, or dogs and wolves standing guard beside Odin, the storm god.) 

Another explanation is more practical. In days less sanitary than today, overpowering rainstorms might have dislodged all kinds of debris from gutters—including dead dogs or cats. (Hey, it could have happened!)

Whether either of these allusions is correct remains a mystery. All we know is that the term’s first recorded use was in 1652, in a play called “The City Wit.” In that instance, it was said to rain “dogs and polecats and so forth.”

I hope you enjoyed hearing about all these rain-related terms. We send a big shout out to all our listeners in Texas, Louisiana, and South Asia. We hope you’re safe and dry.

Samantha Enslen runs Dragonfly Editorial. You can find her at dragonflyeditorial.com or @DragonflyEdit.

Images courtesy of Shutterstock.

Sources

Ammer, Christine. Rain cats and dogs; rain check; rain on one’s parade; rain or shine; rain out; rainy day. American Heritage Dictionary of Idioms, 2nd ed. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2013. 

Dent, Susie. Rain cats and dogs; rain check; rain on someone’s parade; put something by for a rainy day. Brewer’s Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, 19th ed. Chambers Harrap, 2012.

Oxford English Dictionary, online edition. Oxford University Press. Rain check; rainmaker; to rain cats and dogs; to rain on a person’s parade (subscription required, accessed September 5, 2017).

3 Rules for Tipping on Take-Out

Here on the Modern Manners Guy channel, questions about table settings are popular this time of year. As are queries about proper ways to order food and about simple table manners. When it comes to dining etiquette, I've covered them all.  

However, hands down the biggest dining etiquette question of all is how to properly tip.

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When we think of tipping, we assume that we are talking about the gratuity you add on top of the bill at a sit-down establishment. However, there is a grey area of tipping that makes people equally nervous: tipping for take-out.

I touched on this topic briefly before (check out Should You Tip for Take-Out?) and boy did you folks have some thoughts about it! The response to that article made it clear that we need to dig deeper into the issue.  So let’s take a closer look at the 3 rules for tipping on take-out:

Rule #1: Tip for Service, Not Obligation

Everyone has had both terrible dining experiences and fantastic ones.  In an earlier article called Tipping Conundrums: Should You Tip More at an Upscale Restaurant? we talked about the number one determinant for tipping: service.  Usually, the quality of the food and service is what determines the tip.

However, even when the food is lacking but the service is over-the-top accommodating, you’re still likely to tip well.  I mean, it’s not the server’s fault if the food was bad. It's their ability to make you feel comfortable that is valued.  Anyone who has worked in the food service industry knows that being a server is a tough job. But if that's your job, you know what you're getting into. For example, if I was called a “driver” but crashed the car every week, no one would want to employ me. So when a server takes on that role, they have to deliver, or else frankly, why do they deserve a tip? And this goes for take-out as well.

When you tip someone, it is not an obligation. It’s a gesture and a business transaction based solely on service and not just because they are standing in front of you with a pen and paper. When you go to grab take-out and all someone does is hand you a bag and take your money, why do they deserve a tip? What “service” was provided that was above the necessary norm?  

I had no choice but to wait for the take-out cashier to grab my bag and for me to pay. That’s it. So why do I owe them more? There was no hustle. There were no excessive accommodations offered. And placing napkins in the bag doesn’t count. In the end, you have to ask yourself if the server went above and beyond. Most often with take-out you feel guilted into tipping simply because the receipt gives you a line to write in a tip. It’s perfectly proper to pay only what is owed and nothing more.

Rule #2: Tip Once, No Matter How Many Cooks in the Kitchen

There is a fantastic restaurant in my town that I often visit, with an amazing service crew. The manager greets everyone, the cashiers ask about your day, and the kitchen team waves at you sincerely. It’s a well-oiled machine, filled with happy people to make you feel welcomed.

This is how a restaurant should be.  When I go to pay for my take-out, I can easily see there is a full-scale process to get my order correct.  The chef makes sure it’s perfect before it lands into the take-out box, the cashier packs it neatly, the manager asks me if I need a drink, and is eager to fetch it quickly. I can see clearly that a lot of effort and care has been put into my meal.

But with so many hands in the operation, how do I properly tip? If my meal is $15 but 3 people were invested in its creation, do I walk around handing out money?

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As I said in Tip #1, we all know the difference between good and poor service. So when you see people put care into your take-out order, you want to show your gratitude accordingly. But there is a limit. You are not an ATM and your tip should not be 50% of your entire order! A sandwich and drink for $15 does not deserve an $8 tip.

If you feel the service warranted a tip on your take-out order, you should only tip once on the receipt or put cash in the tipping jar sitting near the cashier. You don’t owe everyone an individual tip. It’s not your job to make sure everyone gets paid, nor, as I said, do you have to go broke over take-out. Sure, you can thank them all with a wave and a shout out, and I advise being friendly. But one tip, one time, at the end of the transaction is all that's required.

Rule #3: The Owner Is Not Like a Server

Many take-out places are small shops where the owner not only pays the bills, but makes the food, and even works the register. Not that they’re an octopus with many hands doing many things at once, but oftentimes you’ll see the owner ring you up, after putting your meal in a bag.  So, when you are dealing with an owner, do you still tip?

I for one, find it a little odd when I'm confronted with an owner of the establishment who behaves as if they deserve a tip.  See, tipping was developed as a way for service workers to supplement their usually minimal salary. Waiters in the U.S. often make less than $3 an hour, which is hardly enough to get by, so tips are essential for survival. However, when the owner of the store is the one serving the take-out, I don’t see the parallel.

Think about it this way: Let’s say that Nordstrom’s cashiers started accepting tips for assisting customers.  Then one day Mr. Nordstrom himself himself shows up to work the register - should I be tipping him?  It would be weird, right? Granted his income is a lot different than the owner of Jonny’s Sandwich Shop but still, when someone owns an establishment, their take is much higher than the workers'.

Expecting $2 more from a customer picking up their Pad Thai is not going to make the owner a millionaire, it’s only going to make the customer feel like they were guilted into paying more than they should. Owners are exempt from the take-out tip policy simply by the nature of their role in the restaurant's food chain. The owner-customer transaction should end solely with a smile and a "Thanks."

As always, if you have a manners question, I look forward to hearing from you at manners@quickanddirtytips.com. Follow me on Twitter @MannersQDT, and of course, check back next week for more Modern Manners Guy tips for a more polite life.

Do you have any recent graduates in your circle, or perhaps someone who is looking to start a new career, check out my bestselling book, Reply All…And Other Ways to Tank Your Career for great tips and advice on job success. It's available in paperback, ebook, and digital audio.

Chinese food container image courtesy of Shutterstock.

What is Hepatitis A and How Do You Get It?

As of September 12, 2017 there have been 421 cases of Hepatitis A, along with 16 deaths, in San Diego County since early 2017. The county just recently declared a local public health emergency in an effort to help halt this Hepatitis A outbreak.

What is Hepatitis A? Are you at risk for contracting it? What can you do to prevent it?

What is Hepatitis A?

Hepatitis A is one of the three hepatitis viruses that attack the liver. “Hepa-“ refers to the liver and “-itis” reflects inflammation. Therefore, this is a virus that causes inflammation of the liver. You may have heard of the other two types, Hepatitis C and B, which can cause chronic inflammation of the liver. But Hepatitis A tends to cause an acute illness only, thankfully, and is typically transient.

It is spread from person-to-person only, via a fecal-oral route. Yep, that means through eating feces. Who in their right mind would eat feces, you may ask? Well, you may not be aware of it, but it can be ingested without your knowledge. That means an infected person preparing your food who uses the bathroom and doesn’t wash their hands can then pass on the virus to you as you ingest the prepared food. How many times have you used a public bathroom only to find that some people walk away without washing after toileting? Food handlers and contaminated water used to prepare food is the main way this virus is transmitted. In San Diego, no food or water source has yet been found for this outbreak as of this date.

Another form of transmission occurs through sexual contact with someone who is infected. Travelers, anyone living or working in a residential facility, the homeless, men who have sex with men, illicit drug users, health care workers, those with chronic Hepatitis B or C, and daycare employees are at higher risk.

The incubation period, the time from exposure until onset of symptoms, ranges anywhere from two weeks to two months for Hepatitis A. And unfortunately, infected people are contagious during this time period where the virus is brewing but symptoms have not yet developed. Patients often abruptly then experience the following:

• Nausea/vomiting
• Diminished appetite
• Jaundice (yellowing of the skin)
• Scleral Icterus (the yellowing of the white part of the eye, called the “sclera”)
• Fever
• Abdominal pain
• Dark urine
• Pale-colored stools
• Enlarged liver on exam

Most symptoms resolve anywhere between three to six months.

Diagnosis of Hepatitis A

The symptoms are often enough to bring patients into the clinic or hospital. These patients may feel quite ill. A simple blood test is often diagnostic, however infected people will have elevated liver enzymes (from an inflamed liver) and that will prompt a Hepatitis panel testing that includes an antibody elevated during an acute infection (and may stay elevated for up to six months after the infection).

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Treatment of Hepatitis A

Unfortunately, a cure for Hep A doesn’t currently exist. Just like some other viruses, such as the common cold or flu, once infected with Hepatitis A it needs to simply play out its course. The treatment is really supportive, which means that you can treat the symptoms in order to make the patients feel as comfortable as possible, prevent dehydration, rest, etc.

If it’s transient and self-resolving, then why is there such a commotion over this outbreak? Well, there’s a risk of liver failure and even death with Hep A, although rare and in < 1%. And it is more risky in those with other liver disease like Hepatitis B or C.

Prevention of Hepatitis A

The best way to treat Hepatitis A is to really prevent it in the first place

The best way to treat Hepatitis A is to really prevent it in the first place—something I’ve emphasized with numerous other preventable illnesses. Fortunately, there’s a vaccine for Hepatitis A. Kids receive this series through their scheduled immunizations, starting at age 1. And adults who have never been vaccinated can ask their doctor to get immunized. It’s a series of two shots, six months apart.

High risk groups mentioned previously should highly consider vaccination.

Hepatitis A: Prevention Tips

1. Wash your hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds, especially if you are a food handler. Wash after using the bathroom, before preparing food, after changing a diaper, taking out the trash, etc.
2. Wash your fruits and vegetables thoroughly.
3. Thoroughly cook any animal products.
4. Check out the USDA’s website for food handling guidelines, including a useful food storage chart with instructions on how long to keep various types of foods refrigerated.

The good news is, however, that once you’ve been infected, you’re immune to it for a lifetime—that means if you become exposed to Hepatitis A once more in the future, your immune system will attack it and destroy it before any symptoms develop.

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Please note that all content here is strictly for informational purposes only. This content does not substitute any medical advice, and does not replace any medical judgment or reasoning by your own personal health provider. Please always seek a licensed physician in your area regarding all health related questions and issues.

Hep A Image © Shutterstock