Family Estrangement—Why Families Cut Ties and How to Mend Them

Family estrangement is one of my most requested topics from listeners and readers coping with the loss and isolation they feel when someone cuts family ties. In a way, the grief of family estrangement can be more painful—or at least more complicated—than the grief over a loved one who has died. When a family member voluntarily walks away, you may miss them and feel confused, ashamed, frustrated, and disappointed, especially if the hope of reunification is dashed. 

So why do people excommunicate their family members? Are there any ways to cope or remedy the situation?

Four things researchers have learned about family estrangement

There hasn't been much research about family estrangement, in part because it’s a difficult thing to study—many people don’t want to talk about their parents or children cutting them off. But in recent years, researchers have been paying more attention, especially to estrangements between parents and adult children. Here are some things they've learned:

1. Estrangement between parents and adult children is more common than you probably guessed

Given how much we talk to each other about family—in the news, in the movies, in our daily getting-know-each-other small talk, and even in our complaints about holiday disputes—you would think that almost all families are intact, even if there is conflict.

About 17 percent of college and graduate students at universities in the northeastern US experienced estrangement from an immediate family member.

A large survey of young adults, all college and graduate students at universities in the northeastern US, found that about 17 percent experienced estrangement from an immediate family member, most commonly from the father. Surveying older adults found that about 12 percent were estranged from a child or children.

It’s the adult children that usually cut off contact, while only about 5-6 percent of parents initiate excommunication. This is possibly because, from a parent’s perspective, a child is almost always the strongest bond. But for a child, they grow up to meet a partner or have children of their own, and their responsibilities and bonds shift primarily to their own nuclear family.

2. Parents cut off children usually because they object to their kids' other relationships

In the rare cases where the parents cut off the child, ...

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