Why Some People Never Apologize

What is the deal with not apologizing?

Eminem says no apologies.

Demi Lovato is sorry, not sorry.

Gibbs on NCIS says Rule #6 is never apologize.

Any one of them might have gotten the idea from John Wayne, who delivers his famous line in 1949’s She Wore a Yellow Ribbon: “Never apologize—it’s a sign of weakness.”

Even status quo customer service rules say not to apologize. Apparently, customers interpret the word “sorry” as an admission that your product or service is lousy; therefore, apologizing is discouraged and replaced by exasperating phrases like, “Thank you for your flexibility.”

The mystery is only confounded by studies that show how helpful a good apology can be.

For instance, many doctors are told to avoid apologies because it looks like an admission of fault, which might cause patients to sue them. However, not receiving an apology for a bad medical outcome makes patients mad, which according to a study in The Lancet, is the main reason that patients sue their doctors.

The result is a vicious cycle. Thankfully, the implementation of apology laws that declare an apology is not evidence of liability has allowed doctors to apologize, patients to feel heard, and the costs associated with malpractice lawsuits to abate. A study out of Cornell University found that malpractice cases in states with apology laws settle 20% faster and reduce payouts by up to $73,0000 than in states that do not. In other words, allowing apologies literally saves time and money, not to mention repairing damaged emotions and relationships.

Elton John said it perfectly when he sang, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” But why?

Why are we so resistant to apologizing? What’s the problem? Elton John said it perfectly when he sang, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” But why?

One answer lies in a study out of the University of Queensland in Australia. 

In the study, 219 participants were asked to reflect on a time when they upset someone. Next, half the participants were asked to write a hypothetical email to the person they had wronged, apologizing for their actions. The other half was also told to write an email, but were instructed to explicitly say they refuse to apologize.

Here’s where things get interesting:...

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