Afraid of a Loved One Dying? How to Keep Yourself Tethered to Now

Recently, a listener wrote to me and asked about how to cope with being afraid of a loved one dying. This immediately brought me back to one memorable patient I saw, years ago, as part of my training at a cancer center. She was a thirty-something entrepreneur, wife, and mother to three young kids. She was at the center because her husband had just been diagnosed with brain cancer.

I tried to put myself in her shoes and could not fathom how she continued to function so well. She was still an attentive mother. She continued to run her business. And she did all this while knowing her husband’s grim prognosis: a 50% chance of surviving the next two years.

Don't get me wrong—she did worry about her husband and her family's future. But we worked on finding meaning and balance in a way that honored her very valid fears while also allowing her to live her life. I learned a lot through working with her.

Spinning around in the 'what ifs' can paralyze anyone with existential fear.

So, what did this brave woman do to quell her profound anxiety? How can we calm our own worries that a loved one will someday die? Or how do we cope if we know that day may well be on the horizon sooner rather than later?

The two types of anxiety over a loved one's death

Let’s get very concrete about this topic because spinning around in the “what ifs” can paralyze anyone with existential fear. To start with, let’s make an important distinction. There are two major types of anxiety about a loved one’s death:

1. When a loved one has a severe illness or is at high risk of dying, and you are anxious about their impending death
2. When your loved ones are not particularly at risk for dying, but you can’t stop worrying about them dying anyway

These two types of anxiety are very different and need different types of responses.

Scenario 1: Worrying when a loved one is at a higher-than-usual risk of dying

This is a common experience for anyone, but it's been tragically even more prevalent in a time when nearly 3 million people have lost their lives to COVID-19, and many millions are at high risk for serious outcomes if they contract the virus. Millions of people also have illnesses like cancer or heart disease that could become fatal. If you have a loved one who's at high risk, facing a serious illness, or near the natural end of their life, you may be worried about the day when they will die.

Don’t expect yourself to be perfectly rational and poised if you're facing the impending loss of someone you love. Allow yourself to feel anxiety and grief.

It’s one thing to rationally understand that...

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‘Borrow’ or ‘Lend’?

Sometimes people run afoul of standard grammar if they use the word “borrow” when they should have used “lend” or say “lend” when they should have said “borrow.” The confusion is understandable, since borrowing and lending are both actions related to one transaction, and in some dialects people do say things such as “Can you borrow me some money? or “Can I lend your pen?” But in Standard English, those two actions are different, and the words “borrow” and “lend” aren’t interchangeable because they involve different actions and mean different things. To understand the difference in meaning between “borrow” and “lend” and when to use which word, let’s look at two examples from literature.

'Borrow' examples from children’s fantasy

British author Mary Norton wrote a series of children’s fantasy books about tiny people who were called “borrowers.” In fact, the first book in her series was simply titled “The Borrowers.” Pod and Homily Clock and their daughter, Arrietty, are the main characters in the book series. 

In the first book, they start out living in the space under the floorboards of a house where “giant” people live, whom Arrietty calls “human beans.” The Clocks have friends and relatives with different last names, such as the Harpsichords, Rain-Barrels, Overmantels, Boot-Racks, and Bell-Pulls, but all of them are called “borrowers” because everything they use to furnish their tiny homes in secret places is borrowed from the people who live in the house. 

A spool of thread serves as a table, a postage stamp adorns a wall like a picture, and matchboxes stacked on top of each other make for a chest of drawers for the “borrowers.” Sometimes when the “human beans” can’t find something, they blame it on the “borrowers.” 

In that book series, the “borrowers” don’t outright ask for the things they borrow because that would blow their cover. However, if they were to ask, it would be grammatically incorrect for them to say, “Would you borrow me a thimble, so I could use it as a pail?” Instead, if they want to be speaking Standard English, it would be correct for them to say, “Would you lend me a thimble?” or “May I borrow a thimble?” 

Or, to think of it another way, it would be correct for the “giants” in the house to say to the tiny people, “Do you want to borrow a thimble?” or “Would you like us to lend you a thimble?” But it would...

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What Is the Proper Engagement Gift?

Everywhere you look, there are couples announcing their engagements. With so many people getting engaged and you being the popular person you are, chances are you will be called with an invite to the engagement party. Your happiness for the couple might turn to panic, however, when you find yourself wondering, “What do I get them for an engagement gift?” Don’t worry; you’ll be able to handle this task with ease after reading my top three tips for the proper engagement gift:

Engagement Gift Tip #1: Don’t Break the Bank

Getting someone an engagement gift usually assumes that you are close enough with them that you’ll be invited to the party. 

When it comes to time to pick out a present, remember that you will also be buying them a wedding gift down the line, so don’t break the bank. Think of an engagement gift as an appetizer and the wedding gift as the main course.

Now, I’m not going to say how much you should spend because every person has different finances and really money is not the issue here. Presents are not about money; they are about the thought, and I will argue that until I’m blue in the face.

For example, my one friend took my wife and me out for dinner when we got engaged. We had a great night with him and his wife and it was a perfect way to congratulate us. He didn’t splurge on the nicest place in town, but then again it wasn’t McDonald's. His gift was a way to spend some time with us and share our excitement about the big day—it was just what we wanted.

What about if you're going to an engagement party? Again, engagement gifts are a way to say “Congratulations!” They’re not a competition. Keep it simple with a nice picture frame, a photo album, or a gift certificate to the couple's favorite restaurant.

If you need more guidance on the engagement gift, you can buy something small off the registry.

Engagement Gift Tip #2:  A Group Gift

I had eight groomsmen in my wedding party and I have been the best man in five weddings, so I’m used to hanging out with a tight group of guys. One way we like to give engagement gifts is by doing a group gift. We pool our money together and get the...

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IRA Contribution Rules When You Have No Income

If you regularly listen to the Money Girl podcast or read my transcripts, you know that I’m a huge fan of retirement accounts. There are different types of accounts you may qualify for depending on where you work, whether you have self-employment income, and how much you earn.

If you’ve assumed that you can only contribute to a retirement account if you work for a big company or have a cushy job, that’s dead wrong! Don’t miss the opportunity to save efficiently by using one or more tax-advantaged retirement accounts.

If you’ve assumed that you can only contribute to a retirement account if you work for a big company or have a cushy job, that’s dead wrong!

This post will explain the rules for using an IRA when you have no income. Maybe you’re unemployed, taking a sabbatical, caring for a child or loved one at home, or not working for any other reason. You may be surprised by the flexibility an IRA offers even when you don’t earn money for a short or long period.

What is an IRA?

Let’s start with a primer on IRAs or Individual Retirement Accounts. A fundamental concept to understand about an IRA (or any retirement account, for that matter) is that the account isn’t an investment. A retirement account is like your house or apartment—it’s a shelter that protects you. Similarly, a retirement account is a shelter that protects investments you own inside the account, such as stocks, bonds, exchange-traded funds (ETFs), mutual funds, and CDs.

A traditional IRA is available to anyone who’s younger than age 72 and has some amount of earned income from a job, business, or even from your spouse if you don't work and you file taxes jointly. More about the spousal IRA in a moment.

For 2021, you can contribute an amount equal to your earned income up to $6,000. However, if you’re over age 50, you can make an additional “catch up” contribution of $1,000, for a total of $7,000.

To keep learning about the power of retirment accounts, check out 4 Penalty-Free Ways to Use a Roth IRA Before Retirement.

What are the benefits of a traditional IRA?

If you, or a spouse, don’t have a retirement plan at work, such as a 401(...

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Don't Buy Into These Persistent Myths About Eating and Your Metabolism

Despite the recent popularity of intermittent fasting, there's still a widespread belief that eating several small meals a day promotes weight loss by stoking your metabolism. Or that going too long between meals will cause your metabolism to slow down. I think one of the reasons that these notions have gotten so much traction is that people haul out some very scientific-sounding explanations that seem, well, very scientific and, therefore, believable.

There are two basic arguments and we’ll tackle them one at a time:

Does your body go into "starvation mode" and slow your metabolism?

THE MYTH

Your body, when deprived of food for a period of time, will go into “starvation mode” and slow your metabolism. The prevailing nutrition myth suggests that eating smaller, more frequent meals will prevent this.

WHY THE MYTH EXISTS

"Starvation mode" is when the body burns fewer calories in order to conserve energy, just in case the food shortage continues. During a famine, you’d need to live on your stored fat. Down-regulating your metabolism is a way to make those fat stores go a bit further.

We've come to believe that the trick to keeping our metabolisms reved up is to reassure our bodies that there is no shortage of food by eating every few hours.

It’s similar to the way your laptop adjusts its energy usage when it’s running on batteries, by making the screen a little dimmer, for example. When food is plentiful again, your metabolism goes back to normal, just the way your screen gets brighter when you plug your laptop back in.

If there were actually a famine, you’d be glad your body is designed this way. But, if you’re trying to lose weight, the last thing you want is increased fuel efficiency. You want to be burning through stored fat like an RV burns through a tank of gas.

So, we've come to believe that the trick to keeping our metabolisms reved up is to reassure our bodies that there is no shortage of food by eating every few hours. Your body will oblige you by continuing to burn calories with reckless metabolic abandon. Or so the story goes.

THE NUTRITION FACTS

This idea that you should eat more frequently so your body doesn't react by slowing your metabolism makes sense, doesn’t it? And it's rooted in at least some truth. Your body does respond to a prolonged fast by slowing your metabolism to conserve energy.

Your body doesn’t go into starvation mode if you go four hours without food. In fact, it takes about three days of fasting or serious caloric restriction for your body to respond.

Here’s...

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20+ Staples You Should Always Have in Your Fridge

You can do without many things, but you can’t do without food! If you nail down your staples—the tools you’ll use to cook and the ingredients you’ll always keep in your fridge, freezer, pantry shelves, and drawers—you’ll become a versatile chef who’s always ready for action. By keeping your kitchen well stocked, you’ll be economizing while simultaneously broadening the quality and diversity of your day-to-day meals.

Expanding your repertoire by picking up one new ingredient when you shop can take your food to a whole new level. It doesn’t need to have a fancy name or expensive price tag: Just grab something like tahini (sesame paste) or curry paste in a tube. Don’t be afraid to drop an extra five dollars here and there to try something new!

Below I’ve described all of my favorite staples—the ingredients that get me ready to make the recipes in my cookbook, and so many other snacks and meals. Don’t feel pressured to buy everything in this list at once; instead use it as a guide that will help you grow your cooking skills. I will be honest and admit that items such as beef jerky, Sour Patch Kids, pretzel thins, and booze are also among my pantry staples. But that’s just me—they are optional for you!

Ryan's Favorite Fridge Staples

Beer

Did you know you can use this as a fantastic meat tenderizer, marinade, or base for a fluffy frying batter? In my house, I am usually double-fisting beers—one for cooking and one for drinking.

For more uses for beer, check out Who Knew's 20 Ways to Harness the Power of Beer (Besides Drinking It)

Better Than Bouillon

Forget those old-fashioned bouillon cubes and keep a jar of Better Than Bouillon paste in the fridge; it comes in flavors that range from beef to chicken to vegetable. It’s a MSG-free intensifier for soups and sauces, as well as an amazing base for marinades and rubs.

Biscuit dough

You can easily transform refrigerated biscuit dough into appetizers, desserts, and even the main event, all of which will have people begging for the recipe.

Crumbled blue cheese and feta cheese

It’s good to have a cheese with a lot of flavor on hand. If you’re new to these cheeses, they can smell overwhelming, but when used with other ingredients they will heighten the flavors of your food.

Unsalted butter

An emulsifier and a binder, butter makes quick sauces. You should be in control of the salt in your dishes, especially when baking, which is why I always use unsalted butter.

...

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Why You Shouldn't Train Like a Pro

It makes logical sense that if you want to be the best you can be at a sport, you should train like the best. And there's big business to support that notion as well. Everything from professional training plans to your favorite sports star's nutritional supplements to their morning routines is sold, traded, shared, and reshared on social media.

But what if I told you that you're actually shooting yourself in the foot by training like Felix, Rapinoe, Curry, or Bolt? 

Let’s start with a recent study that plotted the progression of thousands of people following an ultra-minimalist training plan. As sports science writer Alex Hutchinson put it in his Outside magazine article:

There’s good news and bad news in a remarkable new multi-year study of nearly 15,000 people who followed an ultra-minimalist strength training plan involving just one short workout a week. The good news is that the training really works, despite taking less than 20 minutes a week all in street clothes. The bad news is that it eventually stops working, or at least gets less effective…

The last part of that quote may have you scratching your head. But the study researchers argue that this leveling-off phenomenon may actually be much more universal rather than specific to this particular training plan. And that point is precisely why this study has some important implications for how we mere mortals should train and set goals. 

The Fit20 Study

The Dutch training plan that the researchers looked at is called Fit20. It involves one solitary workout per week for—you guessed it—about 20 minutes. The workout typically includes six exercises on a Nautilus One exercise machine. 

The workout may be short, but it's intense and challenging.

The exercises are chest press, pulldown, leg press, abdominal flexion, back extension, and either hip adduction or abduction. 

If that isn’t minimal enough for you, the workout calls for only one set of each exercise. And it requires you to use a weight that will have you reach failure—the point when you feel like you can’t do another rep—after just four to six reps.

The key is that the few reps you do are performed pretty darn slowly. To be precise, 10 seconds in the concentric phase and 10 seconds in the eccentric phase—that's basically 10 seconds up and 10 seconds down. And the rest period between each exercise is kept to about 20 seconds. And, at least for the study, there was no music, no mirrors, and no fun allowed. The workout may be short, but it's intense and challenging...

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