From Grief to Grace—Processing Our Collective Grief

As we get closer to the end of an unprecedented year, I’m reflecting back on experiences, losses, lessons, emotions … and one that really stands out to me is grief. We’ve recently covered grief on the show, but I think it’s worth revisiting because this is a very deep and complex topic. It’s difficult to break it down into “quick and dirty” tips.

But luckily, I got the chance to speak to someone who is an expert on grief both through professional and personal experience, and who will be able to help us understand how grief works, and how there is love and beauty in it.

Dr. Patti Ashley is a best-selling author, international speaker, and psychotherapist with over 35 years of experience. She works with individuals and families to break through ingrained barriers to personal freedom and authentic growth, and to excavate the truth of self-love, belonging, and connection. She is the author of Letters to Freedom (2019) and Shame-Informed Therapy: Treatment Strategies to Overcome Core Shame and Reconstruct the Authentic (2020).

Below is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation.

Dr. Jade Wu: In your work, you refer to moving from grief to grace. What does this mean? What experiences of moving from grief to grace have you had?

Dr. Patti Ashley: My fiancé died of a sudden heart attack four years ago. And he had lost his wife a few years prior to him and I being in a relationship. He was working on something he called “from fear to love to grace.” And so I'm continuing the legacy of that in my work. When you love somebody so deeply and you lose them, it breaks your heart open to a higher love. And there's a state of grace, which is the state of knowing that it's bigger than myself, and yet I have to accept what is.

When you love somebody so deeply and you lose them, it breaks your heart open to a higher love.

And the reason I became a therapist is that I lost my father to a sudden heart attack when I was eleven. And then my partner died the same way. So that's why I wrote my memoir Letters to Freedom. It was so profound for me to think that my whole life I've been studying grief and helping people get through grief and how it's different as an adult from a child. And then having this experience as an adult, I really wanted to allow myself to experience what I was feeling. So I developed my work through the years to give people a place to talk about grief.

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Why Doesn’t 'Veterans Day' Have an Apostrophe?

In the United States, we’re celebrating Veterans Day next week. It’s a holiday commemorating the end of World War I in 1918, but the name of the holiday brings up a common question: Do we need an apostrophe in the word “Veterans”?

The short answer is no, because the U.S. government gave the holiday its official name, and they chose to write it without the apostrophe; but today, we’ll explore why it’s grammatically correct with or without an apostrophe.

3 ways to write ‘Veterans Day’: two right, one wrong

Since many people are confused, you’ve probably seen "Veterans Day" written three different ways:

•  The right way: Veterans Day

•  Another potentially right way: Veterans’ Day

•  The wrong way: Veteran’s Day

Avoid the singular possessive

Let’s address the wrong way first. If you put the apostrophe before the final S in “Veterans,” you’re making the singular word “Veteran” possessive. You’re saying it is the day of a single veteran or a day to celebrate a single veteran, and that’s clearly wrong. It’s a day for all veterans.

“Veterans Day” isn’t the only place you see this problem. You often see things like “writer's strike,” “homeowner's association” and “farmer's market” written with an apostrophe-S at the end, and they’re wrong. All these phrases refer to groups—writers, homeowners, and farmers—they are not describing the strike, association, or market of a single person.

You have to be careful, though, because sometime it is correct to use the singular with an apostrophe-S.

For example, the Guardian Style Guide points out that you do use the singular form for phrases such as “writer’s cramp” and “butcher’s knife’s.” It’s the cramp of one writer and the knife of one butcher. When in doubt, check a good dictionary; it will often give you the correct spelling of these kinds of phrases.

An apostrophe makes a plural possessive

But it gets trickier with the remaining two choices. If you put an apostrophe at the end of the word “Veterans,” you’re making the plural possessive. You’re saying it is the day of the Veterans—the day that belongs to the Veterans—and that’s true, at least at some level.

Further, the possessive case is also called the...

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What Is a ‘Crony’?

You know how words start to sound weird to you? Like you start doubting yourself and start thinking, “Is that even a word?” Well, I’ve been hearing the word “crony” a lot lately, and it started to sound weird to me; so out of curiosity, I looked it up and thought it had an especially interesting origin, so I want to share it with you.

What is the origin of the word ‘crony’?

According to Merriam-Webster, the root of the word “crony” is the Greek word “chronos,” which means “time.” 

The same root gives us the words 

• “chronology” (the order of things in time)
• “chronic” (something that lasts a long time or is with you continuously like a chronic disease)
• "synchronous" (happening at the same time)
• “anachronism” (something that isn’t right for its time, like a cell phone in a movie that’s supposed to be set in the 1950s)

What does ‘crony’ mean?

A crony is someone you’ve been friends with or have known for a long time, and it appears to have been a slang term used by British university students and alumni to describe their old chums. 

Who first used the word ‘crony’?

The first citation in the Oxford English Dictionary (OED) is from the famous 17th century diarist who I’ve mentioned before, Samuel Pepys, who was a student at Cambridge. He referred to another man as “my old Schoolefellow…who was a great crony of mine.”

When did being a ‘crony’ become a bad thing?

Today, “crony” often has a negative connotation, but all the examples in the OED use it in a good way, just to describe old friends. So I wanted to see when having cronies became a bad thing.

The negative meaning emerged in the United States in the early 1940s to describe the Truman administration. 

According to the book “Throw Them All Out” by Peter Schweizer, in 1946 Arthur Krock wrote in the “New York Times” about President Truman’s...

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How to Get Fit with Kettlebells

A few days ago, a friend of mine sent me a photo of a kettlebell she had just bought and asked me how much she should tip the delivery person for dropping it off at her front door. I was going to respond and say that the tip she should offer was something like "Did you know you just got a great workout carrying that up the sidewalk?" But ... I refrained from being that guy yet again.

Even so, the exchange did reminded me that kettlebells are an awesome fitness tool that everyone—yes, even delivery people—can benefit from.

What is a kettlebell?

A kettlebell is a weight that resembles an old-timey cast-iron kettle (hence the name). But I have also seen it referred to as a "cannonball with a handle."

I've seen kettlebells referred to as 'cannonballs with handles.'

Legend has it that kettlebells were originally used by Russian strongmen. The history is somewhat unclear, but according to Kettlebells USA, the Russian Kettlebell as we know it today originated approximately 350 years ago. The first appearance of the word in a Russian dictionary appeared in 1704.

The Russians measured items in “poods” back then. A pood is 16.38 kg or 36.11 pounds. This unit of measure can be traced back to the 12th century, but you may still hear people use this term if they are serious kettlebell nerds ... I mean, enthusiasts. For our purposes, I'll stick with more modern terms. 

Kettlebell benefits

Kettlebell sizes usually range from about 4 pounds to 175 pounds, but because a kettlebell is shaped differently than a dumbbell, a 4-pound (or 1.8 kg) kettlebell can effectively feel a bit heavier. This is because the kettlebell’s center of mass is often extended farther out from your body, which is why kettlebells can be so effective at improving your strength, balance, and power.

Also, kettlebell exercises usually involve some momentum. Working out with something that swings and gains momentum means you work your entire body, including your stabilizers and primary muscles.

Because executing kettlebell movements involves leverage and a little bit of balance, kettlebells engage several muscle groups at once, not to mention engaging your concentration and coordination. This makes kettlebells extra beneficial. It also explains why they demand more focus than other resistance training methods. 

Due to their relatively small but incredibly dense size—as the delivery person demonstrated to my friend—they're pretty portable. You can take them to a park or even on a road-trip with the added bonus that anytime you move them from place to place, you're getting a workout!

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How to Use the 5 Apology Languages

We continue to live in unprecedented times—there's no playbook. We’re living and working differently than ever before, and we’re breaking some eggs as we go.

Whether it’s making a Zoom faux pas, accidentally bringing a political view into the workplace, or missing a deadline because you were distracted by homeschooling your kids during your workday, there's a whole lot of “I’m sorry” happening around us.

But the thing about apologies is that if they’re not done right, they can backfire. An “I’m sorry” that feels disingenuous or patronizing may leave the other person feeling resentful, mistrustful, or uninterested in working with you again.

So next time the moment arises—because it will—how can you deliver an apology that feels genuine?

What are the five apology languages?

For their book, When Sorry Isn't Enough, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas researched the many ways in which we apologize. They discovered the five apology languages that are effective when it's time to step up and own a mistake.

So let’s talk about each and how you can make them work for you.

Apology Language #1: Express regret

When you realize you’ve done a thing that you just feel bad about, and "I feel bad about this" is the gist of what you want to say, this is the apology language you need.

Something as simple as “I’m sorry X happened” can achieve your goal.

When might you need this one? Imagine you’re hosting a Zoom call. One of your colleagues asks a question, and you dismiss it flippantly and move on.

Not unforgivable. But upon reflection, you feel bad that their question got passed over. Give them a call and put Language Number One to work. Offer a simple apology:

I realize you asked an important question during our call, and I’m sorry it didn’t receive the attention it deserved.

Be specific about what you’re sorry for, and then end your sentence. No "I'm sorry, but ...". When you qualify your apology with a "but," you effectively cancel out the apology.

Apology Language #2: Accept responsibility

This second language may be seen as an extension of the first.

Let’s hang with the same situation. A Zoom meeting, a question posed, you moved on.

And now, upon further reflection, you realize that you not only regret what happened, but that you had a particular responsibility...

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Is Melatonin Safe? Should You Stop Taking It?

The popularity of melatonin, a supplement used by many as a sleep aid, is quickly growing. The synthetic hormone is often taken to help combat insomnia, trouble falling asleep due to anxiety, and jet lag due to travel or shift work. In 2012, more than 3 million people in the United States reported taking melatonin and in 2019 the global market for the supplement was estimated somewhere around $1 billion annually. 

More and more parents and caregivers are giving melatonin to their children. Melatonin is one of the most popular natural products given to children, second only to fish oil. We often equate "natural" with "safe," but just because something is naturally occurring doesn’t mean it can’t have any adverse effects.

As the popularity of melatonin grows, so do the concerns over whether or not we should be relying on it so much, especially when it comes to our kids.

Is melatonin effective?

The anecdotal evidence for melatonin as an effective sleep aid is strong. Ask any mom group and you’ll find a significant fraction who swear by it, both for themselves and for their kids.

But evidence at the clinical level is so far less conclusive. For example, the authors of one literature-based review found that taking melatonin helped shift workers sleep longer during the day by an average of 24 minutes. But they also found those taking a placebo drug saw similar benefits. 

The anecdotal evidence for melatonin as an effective sleep aid is strong, but so far, the clinical evidence is less conclusive.

In another meta-analysis that combined 19 studies involving over 1,600 participants, the authors found a statistically significant result that taking melatonin increased a person’s total sleep time … but for a total of just 8 minutes. 

Both the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and the American College of Physicians note that there is not enough evidence to recommend the use of melatonin to address chronic insomnia and instead suggest cognitive behavioral therapy. However, hesitancy to recommend melatonin use appears to center less on concerns over efficacy and more on concerns over safety. 

Is melatonin safe?...

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7 Surefire Ways to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

The way we choose to discipline our child is a personal choice based on our parenting styles. Although many parents today refrain from spanking as a form of discipline, there is still something many of us do that can be just as harmful to our children—yelling.

Why is yelling harmful?

According to a study published in the journal Child Development, yelling (defined as shouting, cursing, or insult-hurling) may be just as detrimental as physical punishment to adolescents' long-term well-being. Even in otherwise loving homes, yelling, cursing, or insults can have many of the same effects as hitting and can lead to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem in kids. 

My parents were not yellers, so in the rare instance when one of them did lose their cool, not only did it grab my attention, but I never forgot it. Remembering the impact yelling had on me when I was growing up, I felt awful whenever I grew impatient and attacked my kids verbally.

Thankfully, yelling doesn't have to be the norm. Here are seven ways to keep your voice and tone in check so you can make your interactions peaceful, not combative, the next time you lose your patience with your cherubs.

1. Parent as though someone is always watching

One of my worst parenting moments happened many years ago when I was making dinner. I asked my son to put the dog out so I could pull the ribs out of the oven without him jumping all over me. My son dutifully complied but left the door open, so the moment those ribs came onto the counter, the dog flew back and grabbed them. It was an honest mistake, but I was furious and screamed at my son and everyone else in the house.

From that night on, I decided never to embarrass my kids or myself like that again.

My yelling was terrible enough, but what I didn't realize was that a neighbor had been standing at my front door the entire time. It was horrifying, and I still shudder when I recall it all these years later.

From that night on, I decided never to embarrass my kids or myself like that again. So I began reminding myself to parent like someone was always watching. I've gotten myself into the habit of visualizing our school principal or one of my inlaws near the vicinity when I'm in a stressful situation with my kids. It helps me to remain calm and talk peacefully instead of acting out in a fit of rage.

2. Tune in to your yelling triggers  

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