6 Ways to Deal with Nosy Questions

“Are you guys thinking about having kids?”

“How much did your new house cost?”

“Why aren’t you drinking?”

“Haven’t you found a job yet?”

Nosy questions are everywhere—your co-worker asks how big your raise was, the stranger in the elevator asks when the baby is due, or your mom tries to bond by asking about your sex life. Even the long-form U.S. census is nosy! How many cars do you have, what’s your income, were you laid off from your last job? It’s enough to make you wonder if Aunt Mildred is consulting for the government.

With all the family gatherings, nosy questions go into hyperdrive during the holiday season. Therefore, this week, let’s talk about how to perform some verbal jiu-jitsu when Aunt Mildred asks why you’re still single.

But first, some empathy. Why do people ask nosy questions in the first place? 

4 Reasons People Ask Nosy Questions

Reason #1: They misinterpret your level of intimacy.

A misreading of boundaries often happens with older relatives who remember you as a kid. Especially if they once wiped your butt, tucked you in, or monitored your vegetable intake, they may be used to a level of intimacy that’s much more personal. Years later, their brain may still picture you at the kids’ table and may not have upgraded their appraisal of you to an adult with boundaries to be respected.

Reason #2: They let it all hang out.

Some people wear not just their heart, but their entire life on their sleeve. Your new sister-in-law may be super-open about everything from her digestive process to her sex life and simply assume you are, too. 

Furthermore, since relationships are a reciprocal give-and-take, over-sharers may feel that because they revealed so much about their life, it’s okay to ask about yours. It may not occur to them that others prefer to play it close to the vest.

Reason #3: They’re trying, however clumsily, to connect.

It’s possible that nosy questions are a clumsy way to connect with you. Your cousin Fiona may be asking if you’re single because she would love to set you up. Uncle Max may be asking how much you make because he wants to commiserate about taxes.   

Likewise, sometimes people ask questions because they think it’s what they’re supposed to do. Communication experts exhort us to, “Ask questions! People love to talk about themselves!” But cousin Mel, fresh off of reading How to Make Friends and Influence People might not realize that there are...

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