Today, we’re going to be talking about clear communication. Specifically, questions.
It’s been a rough day at Green Growing Things, Bernice’s little plant shop, which specializes in hard-to-find species like the carnivorous Audrey IIs. The store is in the running for first place in the Guinness Book of World Records for healthiest Audrey IIs raised with no inadvertent missing persons reports. The inspection team is due to arrive in just a few minutes.
Bernice is beside herself checking last-minute details. “Europa!” she screams, “Why did you water the Audrey IIs so much?” Europa, who is usually the cashier and not the plant caretaker, is puzzled. “What are you talking about?” “The entire watering can is empty! How could you be so careless?” responds Bernice. As you can imagine, the conversation devolves from there.
We don’t ask what we mean
I’ve noticed over the last several years that often we—and by “we,” I mean, almost everyone, including me!—don’t ask what we really want to know.
What Bernice is actually concerned about is whether the Audrey IIs have been over-watered. But she didn’t ask that. Instead, she asked Europa’s reason for watering the plants so much. While sometimes, it might be obvious what she really wants to know, an awful lot of the time it actually isn’t.
We have hidden context
When we ask a question, we have a mental context for the question. We know some things. We don’t know others. We have certain goals. And all of that is invisible to the person we’re asking. It’s rather astonishing that any successful communication happens, ever.
Bernice’s goal is to have healthy plants. As it happens, the only information she has is a big watering can that’s totally empty, sitting next to the Audrey II holding pens. She has assumed that the can was full, and that all the water was used to water the plants.
Check your assumptions
Before you ask a question, especially if you’re upset, do a quick mental inventory. Ask “what’s my real concern?” and see if you can make your question directly reflect what you need to know. Ask “what’s the evidence that prompted my question?” and include that, too, if it makes sense.
Instead of “Why did you water the Audrey IIs so much?” Bernice’s real concern is whether they’re over-watered. She can ask instead, “I’m concerned that we keep the plants healthy. I saw the empty watering can and want to know if it’s possible you over-watered the plants?” She incorporates her goal (healthy plants), what she knows (there’s an empty watering can), and her real question (whether the plants have been over-watered).
Some other examples of questions we might ask, and the real question we want answered:
- “How is the inventory coming along?” becomes “I haven’t seen the inventory status report yet. Are we on track to get it done by our month-end deadline?”
- “Have you called your prospect, yet?” becomes “I haven’t heard about Prospect X, so I don’t know our revenue status. Are we on track to meet our sales goals?”
A question that asks what you really want to know, and that makes it clear what evidence (or lack of evidence) is triggering the question, has a much greater chance of getting the answer you actually need. A question with context is better than a question all by its lonesome.
We don’t answer what we’re asked
A flip side of the same issue is that we often don’t answer the question we’re asked. Sometimes, it’s because we’re trying to answer what we think they really mean, other times, it’s because we’re just lazy.
Europa asks Bernice, “What’s the address for our meeting with the Guinness team?” Bernice answers, “I’m pretty sure it’s in the calendar invite.” Bernice has just added an additional back-and-forth to the exchange. She could have looked in the calendar invite herself (after all, she’s going to need the address too) and sent it to Europa.
Of course, Bernice may have been subtly trying to train Europa to check the calendar invite. She can just say that: “The address is 1010 Anytown Lane. I’m pretty sure it’s in the calendar invite. If you didn’t check there, it would save us both time if you could look there first next time.”
Conflict had come from differing knowledge.
What Bernice doesn’t know is that Europa did check the invite, but the calendar program had screwed up the address field making it unreadable. By answering the question as it was asked, everyone has the answer. By acknowledging that she didn’t know if Europa had checked the calendar invite or not, and then making the retraining comment explicit, all the assumptions and motives are on the table. Europa can simply reply, “Thanks! My calendar invite wasn’t readable, and of course I’ll check that first next time.”
On the way to Anytown Lane, Bernice and Europa reviewed their earlier exchange. Their conflict had come from differing knowledge. Bernice assumed the watering can had been full and the plants over-watered. Nope. Europa had only filled it halfway, and the plants were fine. Knowing both sides, Europa understood Bernice’s concern, and Bernice knew to check her assumptions next time. They arrived for the Guinness meeting with time to spare. The plants were so healthy and happy that Green Growing Things was awarded the world record.
Communication can be tricky. When it comes to asking questions, we know why we’re asking and what’s triggering us to ask. The person we’re talking with doesn’t, however. By making your experience explicit and asking your real question, you’re more likely to get the response you want, with a minimum of drama. And when answering others’ questions, answer the question they asked, and then go on to address what you believe may have been the real question behind the question.
I’m Stever Robbins. Follow GetItDoneGuy on Twitter and Facebook. If you’re self-employed or run a small business and you want to finish certain tasks or projects more quickly, check out my “Get-it-Done Groups” that provide support and accountability for blasting through your blocks. Learn more at http://SteverRobbins.com.
Image of miscommunication © Shutterstock
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